Friday, March 25, 2005


I'm beyond pathetic. Why the hell was I crying during my appointment with Ms. N today? I couldn't even stop the tears from coming. I was just overcome by this intense sadness as soon as I stepped in her office. After about 20 minutes, it had built up to the point I could no longer contain it. I fought like hell but lost the battle to keep it together. How utterly embarrassing.

Where is this coming from? I wanted to cry the last time I was there and all we did was fill out paperwork. Have I begun faking it so well the rest of the time that my mind views this one hour a week as the time to get real with myself? And why her, in her office? Why now? I find myself angered for allowing the tears to escape in front of someone, especially someone I don't even know. I'm confused, alarmed and scared by it as well. Confused because I don't know why it's happening. Alarmed because it's not like me to not be able to contain my emotions in the presence of someone else no matter what is going on. Scared because I'm afraid it won't stop, that this will always be my reaction when I'm in that office.

I lied and told her I was just a little emotional because I hadn't slept very much the last few nights. But I know that isn't the cause. I'd slept plenty before my last visit with her and the same thing happened. I don't want to come across as this blubbering idiot. That's not who I am and I refuse, repeat REFUSE to allow myself to become that.

So besides that, how'd therapy go? I didn't like the fact that she started by asking me what she could do for me today. I can't and don't want to be the one to initiate our sessions because I can't think of where to go. My head is flooded with all these problems, issues that need to be discussed and trying to choose just one to start with is a near impossibility.

She did ask me if I'd fill out a tracker each week for her, the one that I'd gotten in DBT. I agreed to do it. Suppose that will be the way we can get the sessions going. I've already forgotten why she asked me to do it. To track something obviously, but I forgot what. I know it wasn't mood or self harm urges. Guess I'll just fill it out as best I can and then ask next time I see her why we're doing this again.

My concern with the whole tracking thing is that we will only ever discuss problems that have come up within the past week. How will we ever touch on past issues that still need to be resolved? I dropped out of therapy once before because there were so many immediate problems popping up that they were taking the focus away from dealing with the core issues, my mental illnesses. It all seemed pointless.

Hell, if she wants a real tracker, I can give her the link to this blog or hand her my paper journal. These will offer more insight into what I'm going thru and the issues & behaviours that need to be addressed. But I guess until I develop a level of trust in the woman that I know she won't use this information against me and isn't going to abandon me, the other tracker will have to do.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid,you have a lot of pride.Needing to cry is nothing to be ashamed of,its a normal human response.Were human beings,were all weak and frail and trying to hide it isnt going to change who we really are inside.
If you try to hold in all the pain and fear it will just come out in some other way,like screaming,yelling or maybe even violence,but however you express it,its all the same.

Just tell your therapist everything,just let it all out,thats what shes there for.I wish I had a therapist that would have talked with me more and got more involved with me,instead of that drug addict who was zoned out all the time.

I heard someone on t.v talking about the drug called Straterra,Im not sure thats how its spelled,but anyway,they said its supposed to help with racing thoughts and make you think more clearly.I think Ill ask my doctor about it,have you ever heard of it?


1:16 AM, March 26, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I hear you, Sid. I hate crying in therapy too but sometimes it happens, and I also try to brush it off with saying I just haven't been sleeping well.

I don't know - but maybe you felt like crying in your T's office because you've got so much pent up and you really want her to understand you or be kind to you. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, someone being kind to me is enough to get the tears flowing.

Feeling vulnerable and not having established the rapport with your T YET, could be those reasons too.

But you know yourself better, so you're the one who really knows how you feel and what triggers you.

2:57 PM, March 29, 2005  

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