Monday, March 28, 2005

Another holiday down

I'm so glad Easter is over. I'm also glad that only my sis & two nieces came over. Just don't think I could have handled any more family being here. I ended up sleeping restlessly until 2 pm after finally climbing into bed at around 4 am yesterday. Then I spent most of the day dealing with my irritability. Wasn't hung over at all, which I had a feeling I wouldn't be.

Since I still haven't bothered to even start on the cleaning, I now have one day to get it all done. Ha, this'll be good. I'm not leaving on Tuesday til this place is spotless. I can't do it. The kiddie was even rolling her eyes at me earlier because she knows I'm serious. She just doesn't understand the obsession. Can't say I really understand it either, but in terms of things to obsess about, I don't think this one is too bad.

I've tried filling out this damn tracker the last 2 days. It would be a great help if I could just fucking remember why she wanted me to do this. About the only thing I can really fill out is the mood crap and self harm urges. I wasn't in DBT long enough to learn what all the stuff at the bottom is. I'm assuming they're coping skills, but some make no sense and most aren't things I'm even close to ready to begin trying.

Which reminds me of something the two of us talked about. I know, holy fucking shit, Sid actually remembered something! Anyway, she said that the mind can be retrained and that if I try telling myself positive things that over time I will learn to believe them. Of course being the overly pessimistic person I am I told her I couldn't do that because I'd feel like I was lying to myself. Think I've blogged about that before. At that point I brought up the whole situation of not wanting to believe the things people were saying about me at first, that I was worthless and stupid and all that crap. But when everyone around you is saying these things to you, how can you not eventually believe them. And now how am I supposed to go back and question everything I was taught by everyone around me because suddenly I'm now told none of it was true. Again, I've blogged about all this before.

None of it makes any sense to me. I'm frequently told that I make a lot of contradictory statements, especially by mental health workers. But what they're now asking me to believe makes my whole life one big contradiction. How is any of this supposed to get balanced out? How do I judge what is factual and what is pure fiction? Just because a couple of people are now saying everyone else was wrong doesn't make what they're saying the truth. These people don't even know me. Maybe I am a stupid worthless waste of a life that never should have been born in the first place.


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