Saturday, March 26, 2005

Ah, alcohol

For unknown reasons, my anxiety is once again off the charts. So I've popped open a bottle of wine with every intention of drinking the whole damn thing and making no apologies for it. Right now I'm on my first glass, but it's disappearing rather quickly. It was either drink or slash the hell out of myself. I chose to drink because I won't regret it in the morning.

Once again, no obvious trigger. Was just sitting here playing pyramids and I could feel the anxiety gaining strength. Tried to focus my attention elsewhere but it didn't work. My mind kept coming back to how uncomfortable I was feeling. Then all I could do was concentrate on ways to extinguish those awful feelings. I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going to congratulate myself for not grabbing the razor and drawing blood. Personally, I don't view drinking to be a bad thing for me, because I don't do it often and I'm not an alcoholic. I know cutting is a poor coping skill for me, drinking isn't.

I kinda sorta solved my scar problem so I'll be able to wear my swimsuit next week. It's a product called Dermablend Leg & Body Cover that I picked up at Ulta yesterday. It's a waterproof foundation specifically for covering scars, bruises, birthmarks, all kinds of skin imperfections. Supposedly it'll even cover tattoos though I can't think why anyone would want to do that. I know it won't completely hide all my scars since some are raised, but it'll make them at least less obvious. I would have preferred to find some type of top that I could wear over the swimsuit, but wasn't able to find what I was looking for. I'll keep my eyes open though while we're at Mall of America, maybe I'll find something there.

I'm nervous, anxious and excited about our trip. I can't wait to go, but there is a large part of me that is very apprehensive about it. I just never know how my mood is going to be from one minute to the next and that always puts me on edge. Don't know if I'll have a panic attack right there in the middle of the mall if I start feeling too anxious if it's crowded. I am looking forward to being away from here though. Even if I end up spending the whole week locked inside the hotel room, any place is better than here.

Guess I'll go get my drink on. Maybe I'll come back and write more later when I'm good & smashed outta my gourd.


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