Panic Panic Panic...fuck

8 hours until my alarm goes off and I have to get ready to leave for our trip. I should be in bed, but of course I'm not. I'm having a wonderful panic attack instead...fuck I hate me! This is the reason I hate making plans of any kind. I start having panic attacks and desperately want to stay in bed, avoiding the trigger. But I can't. I can't cancel this trip because it would 1) devastate my daughter who's really looking forward to it and 2) cost me money because I didn't cancel my reservation in advance and I'm not into pissing money away like that.

So now I have to endure the panic attacks and hope at some point I either die, cuz that's sure as hell what it feels like is happening to me, or hope that at some point I just pass out and end up sleeping til I'm rudely awakened by the alarm. I'm hoping for the die one, but I'm just not that lucky.

I can't remember if I ever took my Zoloft yesterday, so I'm taking another one right now. I should probably take some of the Ativan I'm hoarding but I can't bring myself to dip into my stash. I have big plans for the Ativan. I should go to the medical clinic and tell them I'm not sleeping well and having anxiety problems. Bet since they don't know my mental health history they'd write me a prescription for Valium or Xanax. Not that I'd necessarily take them. I'd probably just add them to my collection.

Please let every thing go ok this week. Please let me keep my wits about me. Please make this anxiety go away. I'm so fucking panicked right now I'm about to throw up.