Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Panic Panic Panic...fuck

8 hours until my alarm goes off and I have to get ready to leave for our trip. I should be in bed, but of course I'm not. I'm having a wonderful panic attack instead...fuck I hate me! This is the reason I hate making plans of any kind. I start having panic attacks and desperately want to stay in bed, avoiding the trigger. But I can't. I can't cancel this trip because it would 1) devastate my daughter who's really looking forward to it and 2) cost me money because I didn't cancel my reservation in advance and I'm not into pissing money away like that.

So now I have to endure the panic attacks and hope at some point I either die, cuz that's sure as hell what it feels like is happening to me, or hope that at some point I just pass out and end up sleeping til I'm rudely awakened by the alarm. I'm hoping for the die one, but I'm just not that lucky.

I can't remember if I ever took my Zoloft yesterday, so I'm taking another one right now. I should probably take some of the Ativan I'm hoarding but I can't bring myself to dip into my stash. I have big plans for the Ativan. I should go to the medical clinic and tell them I'm not sleeping well and having anxiety problems. Bet since they don't know my mental health history they'd write me a prescription for Valium or Xanax. Not that I'd necessarily take them. I'd probably just add them to my collection.

Please let every thing go ok this week. Please let me keep my wits about me. Please make this anxiety go away. I'm so fucking panicked right now I'm about to throw up.

3 Comments:

Anonymous anaperiodista@aol.com said...

Hi Sid,
I read some of your blog for the first time tonight and saw so many similarities between us so I thought I would say hi. I am also a single mom, in Chicago and with a 12 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I have BPD, ADHD and who knows what else. I'm basically screwed in so many ways except, I think, that I am a pretty good mom. For the most part. Take care. I'll keep reading you...

12:25 AM, March 30, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Hey Sid
I hope things work out for you with the trip.

Hope you can at least try to relax and enjoy the time that you are away.

Take it easy, try to have some fun - I know it's hard when you are so anxious and panicky.

1:50 PM, March 30, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Hi, Sid.

I know what panic attacks are like; I get them regularly so you have loads of sympathy from me. I can see how a trip would trigger one. But you're going for your daughter (to have fun, first of all), so it's all for a good cause.

About the stash--try to dump it, Sid. Your daughter needs you as her mother. What would she do without you? I know that for years my son was my only reason I kept going. Now the bad news is he is grown and gone, and has told me I need to find my own reasons for living. Easier said than done.

Experience three tiny joys a day while you are gone, and remember them at night. No fair repeating.
Hugs,
Suzanne

10:42 PM, March 31, 2005  

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