Word of the day:

Morose
DEFINITION: (adjective) gloomy, sullen
SYNONYMS: blue, crabby, mournful

The above is from Yahoo. They give me a new word everyday. This is the first one that's come up that I relate to very well. Today I'm not morose though, I'm just outright depressed.

Had my first visit with Ms. N in about 3 weeks. I arrived early but stayed in my car and had a cigarette. I hate sitting in the waiting room for very long. I hate being around all those other people when I'm as anxious as I get before each visit. I read a book once about how to choose a good therapist and one of the ways was if they had a private entrance into their office so you didn't have to interface with other patients. Don't think I've ever been to a therapist that didn't have a waiting room though some were usually empty when I arrived.

The tears tried to come again, but I managed to only let a single one escape. She had asked if I wanted to do the DBT or other day program that could be tailored to my needs. I told her again I didn't feel I was ready to take those things on. Then she asks what would it take me to get to the point I felt those programs would be beneficial. Told her I don't know. How do I stop the battle inside my head? How do I reconcile between the voice that's screaming 'give up you stupid, worthless fuck' and the other voice that desperately wants to have hope again but is too fearful of it? How do I change everything I am and go on living when so much of me wants to just give up and die?

I told her about my fear of getting well, of letting go of the security I find in my misery because it's all I've known for so long. Said I think that if I don't find hope somehow, find a way to give myself permission to believe in hope again, I know I won't get better. I know all the things I need to try, but getting to the point where I'm willing to try them seems like an almost insurmountable task. Guess she sensed that too because she said I'm not making her job easy at all.

Wonder if she realizes now how much of a struggle it is going to be trying to help me, and whether or not she's willing to take on that challenge. My fear now is that she will give up. Say I'm too difficult, a word I've heard often in reference to me, and dump me as a client. Pass me off on someone else or simply write me off as impossible to help.

We did talk a little bit about my anger and the drinking vs cutting. She asked if I'd like to stop doing both those things, which kind of took me by surprise. No one's ever asked that before. I wasn't sure how to respond. Told her I suppose I do, but what could I replace those with that will provide the same level of release? So she leaves and comes back with ice. Tells me to hold it as long as I can till it burns. She must've been reading my mind because she asked what I was thinking about this little task. Of course I said I felt kind of foolish. Holding ice is not going to be a strong enough alternative to me. She kept telling me to try, that I have nothing to lose. We'll see if I actually give it a try. I may do it once just to prove to myself it won't help.

That was about it I guess. Don't remember any more than that. We do have a tentative schedule set up for our visits. Each Thursday at 1 pm, though she did mention that two weeks in May we'll have to make it on a different day. Suppose that might help a little. Knowing that I have to go see her on a specific day. Add a little order to my week.