Stressing
Stressing something awful here. Drinking to bring some sense of calm, but I've already pulled out the razor blades. The urges are coming quicker than I can find ways to quell them. Fuck the ice trick...that is not a strong enough distraction. How do I deter myself from causing bodily injury? There's no one here to stop me, least of all myself.
Every progression in life is met with a massive slap that sends me hurtling backwards. The slap of reality. All the while the grip of depression is forever pulling me down. Some days it holds on with more strength than others, but it always has me in its grasp. Some days I'm able to inch ever so slightly forward, never really getting anywhere. Safety is always out of reach. How do I pry myself free? Do I want to even try?
I've had this constant companion of darkness and pain for as long as I can remember. My best friend, my worst enemy. Most days I don't see us as two separate beings. We are often one and the same...it has become me and I have become it. Intertwined so tightly together it's slowly killing me. Using my body and mind against me. How did it choose me? Did it sense how weak I was? How empty I've always been that it knew it could creep in, altering my life forever and I'd be helpless to stop it?
The little girl is still imprisoned inside. Afraid to move, to cry, to scream out for help. She can't find her way in the blackness surrounding her. Trapped. Alone. Loneliness her only companion. How'd she get locked away? Why did anyone allow her to be?
She's safe there, though she doesn't realize it. I've seen what's out there and it hurts even more than what she has to deal with. Constant, unrelenting pain. She's protected from it. I however am not. I get to feel it every minute of every day. I don't want to feel anymore. I have to make it stop.
4 Comments:
Dont ever cut yourself while drunk.I cut the hell out of myself,and now Im in excrusiating pain.My tongue is so swollen and my face is still numb.I think I nearly drank myself do death this past week.Drinking certainly didnt make the pain go away.
My mothers been praying,I told her not to bother,its hopeless.She said the mentally ill are tormented and oppressed,imprisoned in darkness.I said,leave me alone,I cant fight it ,its too hard and I dont have it in me to try.
She told me I wasnt a Christian anymore,that Ive turned away from God.I said so what,things werent any better when I was,and she said I probably never was a true Christian.I was so angry,I was screaming that I didnt want to hear it anymore.I said Im sick of your preaching to me about demons and devils,I know all about it,Ive heard it over and over,Im controlled and manipulated by evil powers and Im on my way to hell,thanks a lot,I feel so much better now!!!
I just dont know,Im not sure what to believe anymore.But this verse in the bible keeps playing in my mind over and over,it said that those who are not with the lord will be unstable in all of thier ways.So which is it,is it in our mind or is it spiritual.Do all of these feelings,the pain,the loneliness,the fear and the emptyness just coming from our mind.Is that all that we are,just a product of evolution,controlled by our minds,because if thats all we are then why does anything matter anyway.And if thats all we are,why are we in such need of love, and fulfillment.
Billy
(((((((Sid)))))))
I'd say more, but I'm in an INternet CAfe, and I'm running out of time.
I just wanted to send hugs your way.....
Sid,
I wanted to tell you before that I was very touched by what you said,and I hope you havnt hurt yourself.I really wish I hadnt done what I did and I hope you dont either.
Billy
Sid,
Hope you are better. I, too, feel there is a little girl all locked up. It hurts, I know.
I have to say that I was thrilled to see you updated "I hate"....you haven't writen a single thing there that I don't chuckle in agreement to.
I haven't updated my blog in forever. I started feeling like my writing was substandard. If I can't do it well, I don't want to do it at all. I will try to update soon, though.
I hope you are ok.
Please take care of you.
Here for you always,
Shannin
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