Saturday, April 16, 2005


Stressing something awful here. Drinking to bring some sense of calm, but I've already pulled out the razor blades. The urges are coming quicker than I can find ways to quell them. Fuck the ice trick...that is not a strong enough distraction. How do I deter myself from causing bodily injury? There's no one here to stop me, least of all myself.

Every progression in life is met with a massive slap that sends me hurtling backwards. The slap of reality. All the while the grip of depression is forever pulling me down. Some days it holds on with more strength than others, but it always has me in its grasp. Some days I'm able to inch ever so slightly forward, never really getting anywhere. Safety is always out of reach. How do I pry myself free? Do I want to even try?

I've had this constant companion of darkness and pain for as long as I can remember. My best friend, my worst enemy. Most days I don't see us as two separate beings. We are often one and the has become me and I have become it. Intertwined so tightly together it's slowly killing me. Using my body and mind against me. How did it choose me? Did it sense how weak I was? How empty I've always been that it knew it could creep in, altering my life forever and I'd be helpless to stop it?

The little girl is still imprisoned inside. Afraid to move, to cry, to scream out for help. She can't find her way in the blackness surrounding her. Trapped. Alone. Loneliness her only companion. How'd she get locked away? Why did anyone allow her to be?

She's safe there, though she doesn't realize it. I've seen what's out there and it hurts even more than what she has to deal with. Constant, unrelenting pain. She's protected from it. I however am not. I get to feel it every minute of every day. I don't want to feel anymore. I have to make it stop.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont ever cut yourself while drunk.I cut the hell out of myself,and now Im in excrusiating pain.My tongue is so swollen and my face is still numb.I think I nearly drank myself do death this past week.Drinking certainly didnt make the pain go away.

My mothers been praying,I told her not to bother,its hopeless.She said the mentally ill are tormented and oppressed,imprisoned in darkness.I said,leave me alone,I cant fight it ,its too hard and I dont have it in me to try.
She told me I wasnt a Christian anymore,that Ive turned away from God.I said so what,things werent any better when I was,and she said I probably never was a true Christian.I was so angry,I was screaming that I didnt want to hear it anymore.I said Im sick of your preaching to me about demons and devils,I know all about it,Ive heard it over and over,Im controlled and manipulated by evil powers and Im on my way to hell,thanks a lot,I feel so much better now!!!
I just dont know,Im not sure what to believe anymore.But this verse in the bible keeps playing in my mind over and over,it said that those who are not with the lord will be unstable in all of thier ways.So which is it,is it in our mind or is it spiritual.Do all of these feelings,the pain,the loneliness,the fear and the emptyness just coming from our mind.Is that all that we are,just a product of evolution,controlled by our minds,because if thats all we are then why does anything matter anyway.And if thats all we are,why are we in such need of love, and fulfillment.


3:04 AM, April 17, 2005  
Blogger Humblejohn said...

Sid, by the time you read this, I'm sure youv'e taken the only route you know to kill the pain. When I lost Julia (my BPD girlfriend) I wanted to fucking die. I started drinking 24-7. I finally ended up in rehab, and when I got out I was sober and hurt...big fucking deal. I know your pain and suffering come from a different direction than mine, however diffusing it may have more of the same antidotes. I came home to the same four walls one day and the pain was so bad I wanted to fucking die. I took off running down the road so I wouldn't drink , and you know what , it worked at least it got me by that day. I was 200 lbs. with a fat gut so I must have looked like a sight but I didn't care. So if ice in your hands didn't work , then shove a bag of ice somewhere more suseptable to cold and take off on foot. You will outrun the pain, maybe for a short time but if you burn it off physically that's better than drinking and cutting. Your'e probably thinking I'm some fucking crack-pot but I am serious. There are ways to get rid of some of the pain you just got to keep searching for the right antidote, Take good care, humblejohn

5:17 AM, April 17, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

I hope you didn't have to resort to the razor blades, or if you did, it was limited and not deep nor too many times. I know the pain you are talking about. I don't know a better way to handle it besides maybe calling a hotline. Do you have a hotline there? That's what i do when I want to cut. It does help. I can give you the local number for Denver but I don't have their 800 number because I lost their card, but the local number is: 303-425-0300. They have therapists on the phone 24/7, and might be able to help you when you are hurting so bad. At least you wouldn't be alone. I'll call and get their 800 number so you can call them. Just tell them yes, you live in Jefferson County but you are out of town now. And I'd block your calling number before you call them. I just called them. Their tollfree number is 877-302-6498. They always have a counselor there. So maybe that will give you someone to talk to.

I was taking pain pills last night, so I know why you are drinking. It's just that it doesn't really work in the long run, does it? Does it make you more likely to cut? It decreases my tendency to cut. I think you said that you told your pdoc that it was a choice between drinking and cutting. I sincerely hope you chose the drinking.

You do want to pry yourself free from the aweful pain. That's part of the reason why you blog about it, I'd guess. To find a way out of the pain. I know it looks dark now, but nothing ever stays the same; things are always changing, so you won't feel this pain forever even though you feel you do right now. I'm sorry I didn't see your blog sooner. I don't know if I could have done anything, but a friendly ear can sometimes help.

Please take good care of my friend, Sid.

To Billy,
I can relate to having a fundamentalist Christian mother evangelizing you. Very strongly. My mother won't accept me as I am, which is a Buddhist, who don't believe in heaven or hell. I'm not going to try to convert you to Buddhism, but I just mean I've had my mother praying for me and I think, so what? It doesn't make any difference. My actions or the actions of others have triggered what's going on in my life now and all the pain. So it's up to me to find the source of that pain and make sure that I don't create any more of it.

I sure empathize with what you're going through. Tell your mom to back off, that you won't talk to her if she tries to evangelize you. That's what I did. And her motherly instincts to stay in touch with her child overwhelmed her instincts to evangelize me. Sometimes she slips, but mostly she is ok.

Hang in there, Billy.

3:43 PM, April 17, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I'd say more, but I'm in an INternet CAfe, and I'm running out of time.

I just wanted to send hugs your way.....

12:49 AM, April 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanted to tell you before that I was very touched by what you said,and I hope you havnt hurt yourself.I really wish I hadnt done what I did and I hope you dont either.


3:05 PM, April 18, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Are you ok? I'm worried about not hearing from you. I hope to see a new post soon, or return my email.

Big hugs your way!

6:34 PM, April 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope you are better. I, too, feel there is a little girl all locked up. It hurts, I know.
I have to say that I was thrilled to see you updated "I hate" haven't writen a single thing there that I don't chuckle in agreement to.
I haven't updated my blog in forever. I started feeling like my writing was substandard. If I can't do it well, I don't want to do it at all. I will try to update soon, though.

I hope you are ok.
Please take care of you.
Here for you always,

8:09 PM, April 20, 2005  

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