Thursday, April 21, 2005

Can it get any worse?

Things are going from fucking shitty to beyond fucking shitty and hellish. This is the point where I need to be in the hospital to protect myself from me, but that isn't an option with all the motherly duties I have to perform over the next week. The thought of swallowing all the pills in my stash is running amok in my head. Just let me sleep, sleep forever.

I saw Ms. N today. Ended up being late because I was in the midst of a major panic attack. I was hoping it would stop, but it's always a bad thing for me to hope, because it didn't. So on my drive out there I probably looked like a complete nut shaking my hand super fast in hopes of getting some feeling back in my fingers. Why is it that hands go numb during a panic attack anyway?

The stupid receptionist only ever takes your name when you arrive, they never bother to tell your T you've arrived. But since I was 10 mins late, I figured they'd tell her so she knew I was there and not just blowing off the apptmt. Figured wrong of course. Wasted another 10 mins off my session pacing back & forth because I couldn't sit still before I finally realized that she didn't know I was there. So I told the receptionist she needed to find her because I was about to lose it in their waiting room.

Ms. N seemed to be no help. It was painfully obvious how much distress I was in. I even told her and also gave her a copy of my blog from Saturday. All she did was offer up suggestions on how to distract. Gave me copies of some pages from the DBT workbook. I must be missing the point about distracting. I'm supposed to do these things when I'm depressed, anxious, raging, etc; which is when I want to do them the least. I'm supposed to just do them anyway to distract myself from how I'm feeling. So say I go for a walk or exercise or something...what happens when I'm done? The negative feelings will still be there. Am I supposed to distract all the time and never acknowledge my feelings? I've been doing that for years and years, it's called stuffing.

I don't fucking know. All I know is how shitty I feel right now. I didn't sleep much last night because my stupid ass brain kept going at about 500 mph despite the Seroquel. All these thoughts, all this noise. I thought at one point my head was going to explode because it was really becoming painful. I was so tempted to just take a handful of Seroquel and completely knock myself out. If the kiddie didn't have this play tonight, I'd take a handful after I pick her up from school in about 20 mins and hopefully get some sleep. Remove myself from the reality that I'm alive and I don't want to be. Why the fuck didn't my mother abort me...FUCK!


Blogger borderline savvy said...

Sid, Sid,
I'm so worried about you. In my letter, I mentioned some of the distraction things, and they CAN help sometimes, sometimes not. And it is NOT stuffing your feelings. It is moving on to different feelings. The pain you feel is deep and I'm alarmed about the crisis you are in. I'm glad your mother didn't abort you because I wouldn't have my good friend Sid to correspond with.

I hate to ask this, but have you tried drinking to calm you down? This is just a last resort sort of thing. It may help.

But please know that I am with you and I want to help in any way I can. Your panic attack is making this much worse. If you weren't panicking, this would be more about depression. Try to soothe yourself with some of the ideas I emailed you. At least try to settle the panic attack down. Then we can go from there to looking at distraction. I know you think it's all a bunch of bullshit, but it isn't. It has worked for me, and surprised the hell out of me.

Do take some Seroquel tonight so that you can rest. Maybe after a good night's sleep things will ease up a little.

Bottom line: Take good care of yourself. Remember your daughter and how devastated she would be without her mother. Remembering my son was for a long time the only reason I didn't off myself.

Just be good to you!


11:11 PM, April 21, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Sid,

Ive asked my mother that many times,why didnt you get an abortion,what were you thinking,they werent married anyway.
I know what you mean,we didnt choose to be born but were stuck here,we dont want to live but were to scared to die.

Your probably like me,hoping for a disease or an accident to take us out because we dont have the guts to do it ourselves.Or that same old prayer every night,please God take me out of here,please dont let me ever wake up.
I know how painful it has to be for you to think what will happen to your daughter if you were gone.Will she be raised by my parents who dont care about her or her irresponsible father?And I know your not going to allow that to happen because you love her too much. She loves you,and she needs you,your all she has.

Are you on any tranquilizers?My
Doc just started me on Buspirone today,its a mild tranquilizer,have
ever taken it?
I wish you would throw away those pills,Im afraid you might accidentally overdose or something.
It seems a little dangerous to me for doctors to be giving us so much medication,its not aspirin.

I hope you get to feeling better soon,Ill see ya Sid.


12:26 AM, April 22, 2005  

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