Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Still trying

Still struggling to gain some semblance of calm. Trying to trap my demons and lock them away before they destroy me completely. But I'm so weak, so completely drained that I feel it's a losing battle. Feel like I should start up the D-day countdown again and this time go thru with it.

My mother came downstairs yesterday because I hadn't shown my face at all. Asked if everything was ok. I became enraged by her question and even though I'm 30 something I still fear her, so I held back spewing what my mind was thinking. As soon as her words were spoken I wanted to scream at her and tell her she has no right to care about me now when she couldn't care when it mattered most. That if she had just cared even a little when I was a child that maybe I wouldn't be the way I am today, or even if I had still become so fucked up in the head, maybe she would have cared enough to get me treatment when things were still in the developing stages.

Ended up crying for at least an hour after she left. Hurt. Broken. Distant. Alone. Failing. Lost. All words to describe who or what I am right now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean,if they didnt care when we were groing up,why would they care now.
My parents still say,whats wrong,youve never really said what the problem is?My God,if they havnt figured it out by now,forget it.They read my evaluation,it says severe depression,anxiety,ocd,avoidant personality disorder and so on,what else do you need to know?

Ill be in my room and turn around and see my dad standing in the doorway shaking his head looking so ashamed.He thinks if I can see how asamed he is of me it will make me change,just like when Im walking past him and he,ll start laughing at me and say,God your getting fat,so that Ill feel so embarrased that it will make me lose wieght.

Do your parents act like there ashamed or try to make you feel guilty?
I really sympathize with you,Im also in my early 30s living with my parents,so I know what its like.It makes you feel about twelve years old doesnt it? Billy

1:43 AM, April 27, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

That's pretty rough. But I understand your anger at your mom. Absolutely. I feel the same way.

I'm lucky I don't live in the same country as my mom. But when she calls, I just want to scream at her. It used to be I wouldn't answer the phone when I knew she was trying to call me (usually weekends when it was cheaper).

But over the last 2 years, I told her I didn't have a phone. That I just used a cell phone, and she can't reach my cell phone. So it works for me. I call occasionally, and on my terms - whenever I feel like it.

It sounds bad - like how can I do this to my own mother - but there is a lot of anger still in me. So I know how you feel, Sid.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.

Take good care of yourself. You've come this far - keep fighting. I know things will get better for you.

Polar Bear

2:25 AM, April 27, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

BIG HUGS!!! You are going through something so tough. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. My mom at least feels guilty for how I was raised. But for your mom to come down and check you out when she didn't care when you really needed her is hypocrisy.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. I wish I could make it better.

Lots of love,

2:03 PM, April 27, 2005  

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