The clock says

It's 12:18 am and I'm still awake. Why? Same answer, different day...the Seroquel is sitting here and I can't get myself to swallow it. Maybe it's because despite being exhausted, I'm wide awake and by taking this damn med I'll be lulled to sleep by artificial means. I can literally hear the voices in my head...one saying just fucking take it already, the other saying don't you fucking dare take it. Given the time it is, even if I do take it I won't be able to take the full 200 mg. I'd never be able to get my ass up at 6 am to wake the kiddie up.

I know they told me I was banned from purchasing a gun for the next 3 yrs because I've been locked up in the mental ward, but I've been considering trying to anyway. The government usually doesn't have their act together, so who knows, maybe they never received word that I'm a fucking nutcase. Another way around that would be to simply skim the classified ads and purchase one from an individual...background checks aren't required in those instances. We'll push that idea off to the side for now though.

Tonight is the final play performance. I'm going again, this time with my sis, niece & the old people. Oh joy...can I just tell you how completely thrilled I am about leaving the house in my current state of misery? I should start chilling a bottle of wine now, I'm gonna need it.

I'm raging again and having thoughts of slamming my fists thru the window and then slamming my wrists down onto the broken glass...severing the veins in both arms simultaneously. The fucked up stuff that runs thru my head. I'm going to take this Seroquel and put me out of my misery for the next 6 hours.