Friday, April 22, 2005

The clock says

It's 12:18 am and I'm still awake. Why? Same answer, different day...the Seroquel is sitting here and I can't get myself to swallow it. Maybe it's because despite being exhausted, I'm wide awake and by taking this damn med I'll be lulled to sleep by artificial means. I can literally hear the voices in my head...one saying just fucking take it already, the other saying don't you fucking dare take it. Given the time it is, even if I do take it I won't be able to take the full 200 mg. I'd never be able to get my ass up at 6 am to wake the kiddie up.

I know they told me I was banned from purchasing a gun for the next 3 yrs because I've been locked up in the mental ward, but I've been considering trying to anyway. The government usually doesn't have their act together, so who knows, maybe they never received word that I'm a fucking nutcase. Another way around that would be to simply skim the classified ads and purchase one from an individual...background checks aren't required in those instances. We'll push that idea off to the side for now though.

Tonight is the final play performance. I'm going again, this time with my sis, niece & the old people. Oh joy...can I just tell you how completely thrilled I am about leaving the house in my current state of misery? I should start chilling a bottle of wine now, I'm gonna need it.

I'm raging again and having thoughts of slamming my fists thru the window and then slamming my wrists down onto the broken glass...severing the veins in both arms simultaneously. The fucked up stuff that runs thru my head. I'm going to take this Seroquel and put me out of my misery for the next 6 hours.

4 Comments:

Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid,
Please don't get a gun. It won't help you at all. Don't invite temptations into your home.

If it's there, it's easier to reach out to it. For me, it's like having pills in the house. Having them here means that when I've had enough, I turn to them.

Please, Sid. If you get a gun, then I am allowed to go out and get more pills. If we're going to help each other get through this, doing those sorts of things is not going to help.

HUGS
Polar

1:29 AM, April 22, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only three years, huh? California has a seven year law....I think Nevada is the same. Ah, the joys of being crazy. Wonder if I am still allowed to vote?

12:22 PM, April 22, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Sid,
I agree with Polar Bear. Don't go out and buy a gun. Think of your daughter! What if she ran into it and pulled the trigger by accident. And what if she heard a loud noise and went in and found Mom. Plus, you know that children whose parents die by suicide are at a much higher risk for dying by suicide themselves. Should I try to aquire a surgical knife? I know where to cut to kill: I'm an Emergency Medical Technician so I know many ways of doing it. But don't buy a gun. Keep yourself away from them.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, Sid. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

Big hug,
Suzanne

Chill the wine, take the Seroquel.

3:06 PM, April 22, 2005  
Blogger Humblejohn said...

Sid,
I'm with the gang...forget the gun. Nothing ever good comes from them. Medicate as necessary and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day...a better day. Maybe you and kiddie will have a good weekend. Thank you for your support as well. Warmly, john

5:32 PM, April 22, 2005  

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