The meeting

Should have looked when the last time I posted was. Think it was before we went off to Indiana. The show was great, got some really good pictures. The kiddie had a super good time. She got to touch Joel from Good Charlotte when he came out into the audience, which has got to be the highlight of her year so far. Simple Plan put on a good show too. My ears are still ringing because we were standing right next to the speakers, but it was worth it. Next show is in 3 weeks, but that's in Chicago so we won't be traveling anywhere.

My mood has been kind of blah. Some days I'm more depressed than others, but for the most part I'm just going thru the motions of life without really feeling like I'm involved in them if that even makes sense. Seems so hard to explain things lately. I'll have a thought and think it actually makes sense but before I can get it out, it gets sucked off into the vast expanse of nothingness inside my head. Can't recall what it was I was thinking or wanting to say.

The ex called today while he was out with the kiddie. He finally wanted to have our "talk". I'd just assumed since he hadn't brought it up again he wasn't going to so I was caught completely off guard. I met with him anyway. Figured there would really be no good time to do it so why not just get it over with.

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I started this post earlier but was interrupted so I temporarily saved it. Now that I have a chance to finish, I can't write about what happened between the ex & I because my urge to shred the shit out of myself has taken over. Not sure what the initial trigger was, could have been meeting with the ex, the rabbit spraying me with piss, my father coming downstairs & telling my daughter she needed to do the dishes or what. Could have been all those things tho I was fine after meeting with the ex. But now I'm raging like a motherfucker

The thought running thru my mind that is continuing the rage and urge to cut is something the ex told me. He confirmed my suspicions that my supposed friend and her psychologist husband told him to run for his life, that there was nothing he could do to help me. Fuck that has me so goddamn fucking pissed off right now I feel like vomiting. How fucking nice. And people wonder why I have no friends. All the friends I seem to have end up ripping my heart out. Especially the ones that seemed the sweetest and most sincere. Never fucking trust anyone.

I sent her an email asking her how much money she paid to help me out when I was at my worst so I could pay her back. I know she helped cover my Cobra insurance for a month or two, plus she bought some groceries and household stuff. Told her she wasn't family and never should have helped me out like that. Not sure where I'll get the money to pay her back, but I'll sure as hell figure something out. Once I pay her back, I'll be out of her life for good. I fucking hate all the lies and secrets.

So much for trying to keep myself safe.