Here's the situation

I've ignored this topic for as long as I could. The uncertainty of the whole situation has multiplied. At times I feel like I'm treading on dangerous ground. Other times I feel like I've manipulated the situation towards what I thought was my benefit, but now I'm not so sure. Still at other times I feel it was our destiny to be together and though we hit a bump in the road that threw us in opposite directions, doesn't mean we can't get back on the same path together again.

The meeting with the ex on Sunday could be summarized in one short sentence. He wants us to get back together. Unfortunately everything else associated with that sentence is a twisted mass of love, betrayal, hurt, suspicion, hesitation, friendship, family and quite a few more things I'm drawing a blank on right now.

We met again today and talked even more. Trying to clear the air. Trying to make sure if we pursue this it's not time wasted on a fruitless endeavor. Trying to make sure we're doing this for all the right reasons instead of doing it because we're lonely. Trying to see if we can work thru the hurt, suspicion and betrayal to come out on the other end a truly happy, loving, united couple. Trying to make sure we know what we're getting ourselves into and how it will affect not only us, but also our daughter. Trying to put our cards on the table and be honest about what we need from each other in order to sustain a meaningful relationship.

We've managed to take responsibility for our own actions in what happened in the past. We've also managed to lay blame on each other in the appropriate places without being cruel about it. There is still plenty more to discuss. While both of us want to see our relationship start anew and succeed, I don't think either of us is ready or willing to make the step to declare ourselves a couple again just yet. It's not time. It's still way too early for that.

I was honest in letting him know the anger I feel towards him at times and how much he hurt me by lying to me. How I felt he'd abandoned me when I needed him the most and that I have never found a way to deal with those feelings. He was honest in telling me that he felt like I'd sucked the life out of him and that he still loved me but couldn't continue being around me since I wasn't trying to help myself. That he felt it was our illnesses that clashed and drove us apart, not each other.

We both have a major hurdle with respect to each other that will have to be overcome in order for us to have any chance of reconciliation. For me, the hurdle is having him be honest with me and allowing me the time to build trust in him again. For him, the hurdle is me being able to be more affectionate (not in a sexual sense), something that seems so foreign to me since I never received affection from anyone before him.

I'm not sure I'm making the right decision. But then again, I never feel like I'm making the right decision. I have no intention of rushing any of this. I told him that no matter what happens, even if we can't reconcile and become a married couple again, he will always be my best friend.