Thursday, May 19, 2005


Ms. N called yesterday to schedule a new appointment for the one she cancelled. So I'm seeing her today at noon. I don't believe she was sick. I think maybe she had someone that wanted an emergency apptmt and figured she'd give them my spot because of my cutting our visit short last week. Give her time to someone that is going to use it more productively than I do.

The thought had crossed my mind to go to her office and spy to see if she came out of the building Monday, but I was in such a crappy mood I didn't think it was worth it. But I just have this nagging feeling she lied about being sick and I'm right about 99% of the time that someone really has lied when I get this feeling.

I'm half way to the $1,000 I need to raise to participate in the walk. I have another $10 to add that I managed to raise at the NAMI meeting on Tuesday and the garage sale is coming up Saturday as well so that'll hopefully add at least another $100. Now if I could just guarantee myself that I'll be emotionally and physically ready to do the actual walk I might feel like I'm doing some good instead of just setting myself up for another disastrous disappointment.

I'm still fighting the self harm urges and fuck were they strong today. Probably because I was holding a knife, an extremely sharp one, for almost 45 mins while chopping up veggies for the bunny. Kept thinking that I could make up some stupid excuse for why I got slashed and no one would know it was intentional. But again, I didn't do it. Managed to keep my chopping to the veggies instead of to my flesh. I am growing weaker and the urges are growing stronger. When I can't hold off any longer, I'm going to end up doing some serious damage.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I commend you on conquering that urge. The more times you can do that, the stronger you become. More than that, it is great that now you seem to want to stop cutting. I know that wasn't the case a while back. Try to focus on these great accomplishments, instead of the next urge.
Take care of you!

3:12 PM, May 19, 2005  

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