Monday, May 30, 2005

Time's a blur

Each day keeps running into the next. Nothing out of the ordinary to discern one from the other. Time passes quickly when this happens. I forget to blog, clean, shower or even take my meds because I feel like I just did that yesterday. But yesterday turns out to be a few days or a week ago. Suppose this is better than when time seems to just stall. When you're acutely aware that only a minute has passed by, but it feels like an eternity. That's agonizing.

Again I didn't bother to check when I last posted. Seems like it was yesterday, but it could easily have been several days ago. I only remember Saturday nite and Sunday. Saturday was my "date" with the ex. Nothing exciting, just did dinner & drinks as we'd originally planned. In that time I'd spent with him, it seemed like we'd never split up. It was a seamless return to married life, as if the last 3-4 years never happened. I felt uneasy after the fact, but while we were together I didn't think about the rift between us. It didn't seem to exist.

Sunday I spent napping most of the day. The ex picked up his daughter and they headed out to do stuff. They ended up calling me because neither of them could think of anything to do. I booked them a hotel so they could go swimming and when they came to get her stuff, they took the Xbox with them so they could watch movies also. I joined them for a couple of hours after dinner but made sure not to stay too long. This is his time to spend with his child and since she doesn't know what's going on yet, it's not my place to be intruding in even if invited.

I had another thought which I can't decide if it is just my paranoia hard at work or a realistic concern. The thought had come to mind that he is just using me for my income. He's been struggling financially for a long time and has no money management skills at all. He told me Saturday that now this woman has said she wants him out by July 1st. I did make it very clear to him that I have no intention of moving myself for at least a year. I can't help but wonder if he'll try to pressure me to do it sooner or if he'll pressure me to help support him. He gave me no indication that he would expect either which is why I feel it may just be paranoia.

I think he does realize that he doesn't have the power over me he once did. He can't pressure me into doing anything I don't want to. He used to be so good at getting me to give in to his demands. Usually by whining or talking about it to the point that I'd give in just to shut him up. I haven't given in to anything and I'm doing good staying focused so I don't. Maybe I actually have learned from my past mistakes.


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