Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Ugh I feel crappy

Gawd I feel like shit. I'd been fighting off something for most of last week, but the flu finally hit on Sunday. I was so feverish, weak and exhausted when I woke up that I just spent the day in bed. Yesterday I was feeling better and got out for a walk with my daughter, we did about 1.5 miles. Now today I'm back feeling crappy again. Guess I'll just rest the next couple of days and see how I feel.

Things with the ex are progressing. I think they're progressing faster than I want them to but I am still very, very cautious. It's not so much my sixth sense telling me this is a bad idea so that for me is a good sign. I'm just reluctant to put myself in a position to be hurt by him again. On one level I feel like I'm being paranoid about his intentions, yet at the same time I don't get the impression he's lying to me about his wanting to get back together and I pick up on lying very easily & quickly.

It's still all too confusing. I still can't even decide if this is truly what I want to do. We did a lot of talking on Saturday after the garage sale, which by the way I made $80 at, but it didn't help to quell the confusion. He actually tried a few times to get me to have sex with him, but I told him that I wasn't ready to go there yet. Stuck to my guns and refused to back down on that. He was frustrated, but I have to do what I feel is right for me. I don't feel that I'm ready to get that intimate with him yet.

We're planning a "date" on Saturday. Probably just dinner and some drinks after, nothing fancy. We actually never really dated before we got married. Started off as fuck buddies, then I got pregnant and things evolved from there. It was weird. Not the typical way people end up together, but then again, nothing about either of us has ever fallen into the category of typical.

We haven't told anyone what we're doing. Definitely don't want to tell the kiddie until we're sure this is the right thing and that it may actually work out. Don't want to put her thru that kind of disappointment of seeing her parents split up a second time.

I don't know. He wants me to break down some of my barriers, to start removing stones in the wall at least. I just don't know if I can ever feel comfortable enough or trust anyone enough to ever do that. But I know that in order for a marriage to work, there has to be that level of trust. Probably another contributing factor to the failure the first time around was because I never let him in. I was the brick wall he kept pounding his head against and it just became too painful so he stopped.

But enough of that. I just don't want to think about it anymore right now. I still have to deposit the $80 from the garage sale, but once I do I'll have $595 in donations for the walk. Not bad for someone that rarely ever leaves the house. I've decided to join up with a team and since I'll be the 10th member of it, I believe I get $300 towards my goal. That'll put me at $895. I should be able to exceed the $1000 if that happens. I do have quite a few people that have told me they are going to donate. The ex also said he'd take some of the materials to work with him and try to get donations; and my younger sister said she's going to pass information out at the next Market Day at her daughter's school.

The team captain asked if I'd like to meet her for lunch this week since she'll be in my area. I haven't called her yet because I have been so sick. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. She's about 5 yrs older than me and suffers from bipolar, as does her youngest daughter who will also be walking. I know her daughter had attempted suicide, but she didn't mention if she has too. She lives about 45 mins west of me, which I suppose isn't too bad. Maybe there's some place in between us where we could meet for practice walks.

Think I'll go plop myself on the couch and take a nap.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well physically. It sucks to be down with the flu. You need to take it easy on the exercise when you are physically unwell. Take a few days off until you are fully recovered before going back to your "training".

As with the ex, I hope you continue to be cautious, and to take your time in this. And don't ever feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. YOU call all the shots and be in control.

Take good care!!
Polar Bear

2:36 AM, May 25, 2005  

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