Monday, June 06, 2005


Was wondering today, how do some people become more than just anonymous pimples on the ass of life? Are they born with that certain charisma that draws people to them or do they develop that thru life experience? Not that I'd want to be in the public eye myself, was just curious about how those that are come to be. I'd be happier to simply blend into the background of life, unnoticeable to everyone around me except for a few with an eye trained to spot me.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs of life. Keep wondering if I will ever plateau or just keep bobbing amongst the waves. My fear is that the latter will continue until I finally drown. My hope is that I drown quickly.

I remember almost literally drowning as a child. Happened of all places at the public pool during swimming lessons when I was about 6. My brother was chasing me across the pool and I slipped. I've never been one to react during a panic situation and keep my wits about me, so when I went under it never occurred to me that I could simply regain my footing and stand up. I can still remember the smell of the chlorinated water as I breathed it in. Remember the pressure feeling inside my lungs as the water poured in. I can still see the light of the sun. See the distortion of objects still visible from where I was underneath the water as I looked upwards, the fence around the pool, the tree branches above, a bird flying over.

But mostly I remember no one coming to my rescue. No one seeming to value my life as a fellow human being enough to help me. I managed to save myself that time, though I don't remember how. Never went into the pool again that summer. To this day I've still never learned how to be comfortable in the water.

My life feels like I'm drowning again. Only this time the water is deeper. Still no one is coming to my rescue; and I'm too weak and too lost to save myself.


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