Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Pdoc 'n stuff

"Have you lost weight?" Funny that my pdoc should be the only one that has noticed and I haven't even seen the guy for 2 months. I told him I'd only lost 5 lbs so he wouldn't know that I've been starving myself again. If I'd have told him I'd lost more than that he might have become concerned, which to me is unwarranted.

He seemed surprised that my depression isn't as bad anymore. Actually I couldn't ascertain if it was surprise or suspicious that maybe I was lying to him. He's such a hard person to read. He did change the diagnosis from severe depression to moderate though. I told him about the panic attacks but didn't tell him I sometimes take Valium to cope. He didn't offer up any solutions or medications to take for them. Just kept me on the same meds at the same dosages. Told me to come back in another 2 months.

The thought running thru my mind today is, why if the depression has lifted some do the thoughts of harming myself still run so rampant? For the most part they aren't even suicidal ones. They're more thoughts of just grabbing one of the knives from upstairs and slashing the hell out of myself. Am I trying to punish myself for making a step forward? That seems idiotic, but it could very well be the truth. Or it could also be that I want to feel something, anything.

My pdoc's office is a building away from the mental hospital. A fire station is inbetween the two. I laugh to myself every time I go by because I wonder what was there first, the hospital or the station. Always curious as to whether it was planned that they'd be next to each other or if it was just a fluke. Someone tries to kill themselves in the hospital and the paramedics can be there in a minute to save them.

Save them...ha, that makes me laugh too. I watch Life in the ER on the Discovery channel and I see the suicide victims come in. All the doctors and nurses trying desperately to save the person's "life". What they're really trying to do is save their body. Who really saves their life though?


Post a Comment

<< Home