Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Weird behaviours

Went to the library yesterday after my pdoc apptmt. Didn't stay long because the air conditioning didn't seem to be working. Sadly it didn't matter since it's getting harder for me to pick books so I want to get in and get out quickly anyway. Not because I can't find any interesting ones, but because I keep getting this intrusive thought that they are all contaminated. I managed to work thru that thought and walk out of there with four but had to wash my hands as soon as I got home. Haven't been able to touch or even think about the books since.

I just keep picturing all the hands that have come into contact with the book covers and pages. Some with greasy fingers from reading while eating, other fingers having come from just picking a nose, fingers that were used to cover a sneeze seconds before they turned a page, gross thoughts like that.

Started thinking about all the weird, obsessive-compulsive type behaviours that I have. So I made a list:

1) If I'm wearing pants, I have to put the right leg in first, put on the right sock then shoe before I can move on to do the same on the left. I pull my pants up after my shoes are on. If for some reason I already have pants on but no shoes or socks, I still have to do the right sock then shoe before the left.

2) My shower routine has to be the exact same every time or I get so flustered I have to get out and start all over because I can't remember what I have or haven't done.

3) I'm a checker at times. I check to make sure the door is locked, the stove and oven are off, all the windows are locked. Not all the time, but like with the library book germs, once the thought intrudes that maybe the door isn't locked or the stove is still on, I have to check and recheck to assure myself it's ok. I can ask someone if they locked the door, but if I don't check for myself I'll go into panic mode.

4) Due to my severe fire phobia, I have to check that nothing is left plugged in that doesn't need to be. Make sure nothing is covering the heating vents or outlets in the house. I have been known to stay awake for days simply because the intrusive thought came to mind that the wiring in the house is old and will spark a fire at any minute.

5) I make lists. Lots of lists. I even have a list of lists. I make to do lists, lists of what CDs and DVDs I have, a list of what color Sharpie marker to use to signify different things on my calendar, a list of the books I've read, shopping name it, I just might have a list for it.

6) I have to have things organized. I can't handle my own house or even in other peoples. I was so neurotic about this when I worked that I couldn't even have different sizes of paper clips in the same container without stressing. I'd also start organizing another person's desk if I had to sit at it. Certain things need to be alphabetized like CDs, DVDs, books, buddy lists on the computer, files, etc. I'll even alphabetize other people's stuff.

That's just some that I thought of, the most prominent ones. The ones that are the MUST do's or my anxiety will become unbearable. Wonder if these would qualify as OCD or if I'm just really weird. Probably just weird. None are intrusive enough to impair my daily functioning as is require for the OCD diagnosis. I think most have spawned from my incessant need to be perfect. To have that control.

Even now, because I've had the thought that I've posted about all this before, I'm thinking I should go back thru my blog and check so I can delete this if it is a repeat, otherwise it won't be "perfect". Gawd I'm sick in the head.


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