Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Someone's imagination

Sometimes it feels like me and my life are just a figment of someone else's imagination, someone else's dreams (or nightmares). As if I don't really exist and all that happens is just the result of what this person chooses for me in their mind.

The last few days are a blur. I felt as if I wasn't involved in them at all. As if some other person was in charge of my body. I had no cravings to smoke, I was able to actually nap earlier and fall asleep without being drugged, I started fasting and wasn't hungry at all, completely forgot to take my meds. Weird things that just seem totally out of character from the me I think I know. Or at least the me I'm most familiar with.

I wasn't aware of all these things I'd done until a short time ago. The realization just kind of hit at once after a wave of nausea had subsided. I'm confused by it all. Was I the person that slept and didn't eat or smoke? Or is this me, sitting here typing all this?

I know that I've been seeing things again. Mysterious shadows and other obscure things out of the corner of my eye that aren't really there. Feeling the sensation of spiders crawling on me but none are. Hearing whispers or other voices behind me when no one is there.

I don't dare share this with my pdoc or therapist. To me these things are far more disturbing and far more likely to get me labeled "crazy" then the suicidal thoughts, self mutilation and all the other behaviours associated with BPD, depression & anxiety. They will subside, they usually do. I have no clue what brings them on, nor do I have any clue what makes them go away. I remember last time they were this bad, I was highly stressed and very out of touch with reality. But I don't feel that way now. I'm confused as to what reality is, but have some awareness of it. I'm not particularly stressed, at least not at the level I was last time.

I just hope all this passes quickly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Sid,

Im sorry your having such a bad time,I hope it passes.I understand you not telling your doc everything,I hold bach things to.
I sometimes hear what sounds like music being played but have no idea where its coming from.I didnt think that bpd or depression could cause hallucinations.
Maybe it could have something to do with your meds or maybe a lot of stress.

I have a blog now,but theres some things I havnt figured out how to do yet.You could just go to blog city directory,the name of my blog is untamed.Ive only got 3 entrys,its been a little depressing so far,but you could come visit me if youd like.
Ill see ya, hope the visions go away soon.


2:10 AM, June 14, 2005  

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