Sunday, June 19, 2005

Struggling as always

Life is really difficult. Can't explain why, there really isn't an explanation. It just is what it is. You wake up each day, go about your business doing the things you need to do and then go to bed. How hard can that be? Yet for me it seems nearly impossible.

I'm having a hard time functioning. Just getting out of bed is a major task. I'm behind in my laundry, my mail, my bills, my email, my message boards, my to do lists, my walking. Behind in basically everything because there is no desire to do anything. My head feels like it's on mute. Seems like there should be all sorts of activity, but yet I don't see it or hear it, can't feel it. Every so often the volume of an annoying song gets switched on and it's all I hear, over and over. Then I yearn for silence again.

Suppose I should be happy. The voice telling me to hurt myself has been muted as well. Probably just a temporary reprieve, but I feel safe from myself right now. It's dangerous ground. My defenses are coming down slightly so once that voice starts up again I'm in grave danger of responding to its demands.

Today is father's day. That means later on family will be coming over and I don't want to deal with that. If my brother comes over with his kids that yell I may have to leave. Disappear into the outside world. It's easier to face the public then it is to deal with those kids. I could always head to a forest preserve. Find a hidden trail, or even make my own. Sit in solitude and listen to mother nature's sometimes soothing voice. Guess we'll deal with that when the time comes.

There's always liquor or pills, or both if need be. I artificially sleep, why not artificially be oblivious to life? Sounds heavenly.

2 Comments:

Blogger Humblejohn said...

Sid,
Life can only be lived one moment at a time. I am so buried in things to do and things that "need" to be done that sometimes I just go in a circle and accomplish nothing...very frustrating. I used to be a top producer in life and while usually pretty heavily medicated I accomplished things. Now I don't accomplish shit...but I have my sobriety and my family, and I try not to look at the whole pie but just take life one slice at a time. Don't worry about what "needs" to be done. Remember "worry is like a rocking chair...keeps you busy, but it don't get you nowhere".When you don't have the energy to accomplish all those mundane tasks don't panic as they will certainly be there later. Later you will get a burst of energy and dive in and do it. You are already sucessful Sid, You are raising Kiddie and taking care the best you can, and you have made it this far. Don't fret over the small shit, concentrate on having a good day with your daughter. If the voices from the laundry pile start screaming at you then go drowned them in the washing machine if you have to. Have a great day and be ever so thankful that your child doesn't act like your brothers. Take care today, john

4:41 AM, June 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid,

Those screaming kids and everyone talking at the same time,its enough to drive anyone crazy.
I yearn for peace and quite too.

Hope you survive,
Billy

10:47 PM, June 19, 2005  

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