Failing again

Things are going downhill fast. It's almost too late to slam on the brakes to avoid a major, life threatening crash. Do I even want to slam on the brakes? Is it so wrong to want to die? When is enough pain really enough? What is the depression talking and what is just a person saying I don't want to deal with life anymore?

Saw Ms. N today and this visit was even worse than the last. Here's how the conversation started, after a quick banter about how I got so much sunburn:

Ms. N: So what do you need to work on today?
(5 minutes of silence while I searched my brain for a thought, any thought)
Me: I don't know, you're the expert. Shouldn't you be leading these sessions?
Ms. N: It's your health we're dealing with. I'm not going to dictate your treatment.
Me: But I don't know what I'm supposed to work on.
Ms. N: I think you do, you're insightful and smart.
Me: I'm not that smart
Ms. N: What do you need from me today?
(Another 5 minutes of silence)
Ms. N: If you don't want to discuss anything we can cut our session short.
(15 minutes more silence while I got pissed and she decided to work on paperwork)

I was finally to the point where I was too pissed off, but too afraid to walk out, so I asked what the fuck therapy was all about since she didn't seem to be helping me at all. I've told her in the past about the roadblocks and how I don't know how to overcome them. I stated that again and she tells me I need to find a way to start pulling my walls down. I need to do the things she suggests and little by little things will get easier.

She asked what I was going to do with my anger, since it was very apparent I was pissed off. Told her I was going to cry and proceeded to do it. I told her I'm crashing and when I told her that meant I was getting to a point where I am going to become actively suicidal again, she asked if I needed to be hospitalized.

I told her I couldn't do DBT. That I'm too afraid of failing and not learning the skills. Not wanting to use them. Struggling to understand what is going on when I have the concentration of a wet noodle right now. I'm worried that it will be too much and just set me farther back than I'm already getting. 1 step forward, 20 backward.

I can sense her frustration with me, but it doesn't seem like she understands my frustrations. She said if I felt she wasn't helping, there are other facilities I could go to. I told her that apparently I was the problem because it doesn't seem to matter where I go, I'm not getting the help I need. Don't know what help I need.

We finally agreed that I would start using the DBT tracker again, and discuss that in sessions as a starting point. She also said that I should plan to have at least one thing I wanted to talk about each week. Something I'm dealing with or whatever. I don't know. I'll do the tracker again and see if that helps. I personally think I'm doomed.