Friday, July 01, 2005

Failing again

Things are going downhill fast. It's almost too late to slam on the brakes to avoid a major, life threatening crash. Do I even want to slam on the brakes? Is it so wrong to want to die? When is enough pain really enough? What is the depression talking and what is just a person saying I don't want to deal with life anymore?

Saw Ms. N today and this visit was even worse than the last. Here's how the conversation started, after a quick banter about how I got so much sunburn:

Ms. N: So what do you need to work on today?
(5 minutes of silence while I searched my brain for a thought, any thought)
Me: I don't know, you're the expert. Shouldn't you be leading these sessions?
Ms. N: It's your health we're dealing with. I'm not going to dictate your treatment.
Me: But I don't know what I'm supposed to work on.
Ms. N: I think you do, you're insightful and smart.
Me: I'm not that smart
Ms. N: What do you need from me today?
(Another 5 minutes of silence)
Ms. N: If you don't want to discuss anything we can cut our session short.
(15 minutes more silence while I got pissed and she decided to work on paperwork)

I was finally to the point where I was too pissed off, but too afraid to walk out, so I asked what the fuck therapy was all about since she didn't seem to be helping me at all. I've told her in the past about the roadblocks and how I don't know how to overcome them. I stated that again and she tells me I need to find a way to start pulling my walls down. I need to do the things she suggests and little by little things will get easier.

She asked what I was going to do with my anger, since it was very apparent I was pissed off. Told her I was going to cry and proceeded to do it. I told her I'm crashing and when I told her that meant I was getting to a point where I am going to become actively suicidal again, she asked if I needed to be hospitalized.

I told her I couldn't do DBT. That I'm too afraid of failing and not learning the skills. Not wanting to use them. Struggling to understand what is going on when I have the concentration of a wet noodle right now. I'm worried that it will be too much and just set me farther back than I'm already getting. 1 step forward, 20 backward.

I can sense her frustration with me, but it doesn't seem like she understands my frustrations. She said if I felt she wasn't helping, there are other facilities I could go to. I told her that apparently I was the problem because it doesn't seem to matter where I go, I'm not getting the help I need. Don't know what help I need.

We finally agreed that I would start using the DBT tracker again, and discuss that in sessions as a starting point. She also said that I should plan to have at least one thing I wanted to talk about each week. Something I'm dealing with or whatever. I don't know. I'll do the tracker again and see if that helps. I personally think I'm doomed.


Blogger borderline savvy said...

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time in therapy. Just a thought--do you think that it's possible that you are trying so hard to maintain what looks to be like a normal life that you might be scared to put that in danger, which therapy might do? Are you afraid?

I agree with your therapist that it would be a good idea to come in with at least one topic to talk about. That seems to help me. And I also am having qualms about DBT, though I'm already in it. I don't do it perfectly (I miss some days), but I figure I am getting some things out of it. My T says that's why a lot of people choose to go through it again, so they can get down the skills that they missed the first time around. Maybe you OCD is influencing you to choose all or nothing with DBT and therapy--either perfection or drop out. A thought?

Hang in there, sweetie!

12:50 PM, July 02, 2005  

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