Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Hurt

Did it make you feel like a man to hurt an innocent child?

I know now why I was chosen. I was the ideal victim...timid, painfully shy, desperate for attention from anyone willing to give it. Disconnected from everyone else that you knew I wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't even have to make threats of harm.

I was so naive that I didn't even know at the time what you were doing was wrong. Of course little kids are supposed to be that naive. They're not supposed to be versed in the body as a sexual object because their bodies are not supposed to be viewed that way by anyone.

Do you even realize how sick you were? Are you still that sick?

I still remember. I can't seem to ever forget. I didn't repress these memories, I've carried them with me this whole time. Afraid to put them down. Afraid someone would blame me for being dirty. Blaming myself for not speaking up and stopping it.

It sickens me to think that to this day I can't bring myself to tell anyone what you did to me. To think that you may have done this to my sisters or to someone else. I can't know if you did. I would take the blame for it.

But it's not my blame to take, it's yours. Will you ever own up to that?

4 Comments:

Blogger borderline savvy said...

Oh, ((((((((((Sid))))))))))!

I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered and the shame and guilt for something that wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry that the memories still linger. If it was your father, and I'm not asking unless you want to say, now you're living with him and are under his mercy. What a miserable place to be in. Can you get out of there? It must be shredding you inside.

I know that abuse victims can heal, and I wish you healing and more. Have you talked to your T about it? I hope so. And protect that daughter of yours. You have my love and empathy.

Big, big hugs,
Suzanne

5:49 PM, June 22, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid,
Im not sure what to say Sid.My heart really goes out to you.It must be so hard to have to face this person,but it should be even harder for them to have to face you.
Im sorry he got away with it.I hope you'll be able to heal and get past this.I really care about you Sid,please take care of yourself.

Billy

11:58 PM, June 22, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

It wasn't my father. If it had been, I think I'd rather have been homeless than to live with him.

2:14 AM, June 23, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

((((((((Sid)))))))
Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I know the past hurts. And it will cme back to haunt us time and again....

Hang in there.
Poalr Bear

12:57 AM, June 24, 2005  

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