Saturday, July 02, 2005

Lonely

The loneliness I'm feeling right now is making me feel so unsafe. I don't know what to do. I sit here listening to the neighbors all having parties, groups of people gathered together enjoying each other's company and here I sit all alone. No one to talk to, nothing to do. Abandoned. But yet no one really abandoned me. I drive everyone away. I have no one to blame but myself.

I really hate the holidays. They're always a time for celebration and I have nothing to celebrate. I certainly won't rejoice in my still being alive. I can't celebrate friendship for I have no friends. My family even chooses to do things without ever offering to let me join them. I can't even celebrate freedom, which is what the Fourth of July is supposed to represent. I'm not free, I'm a prisoner of war...the war that rages inside my head.

The pool out back looks so tempting. I could go under water and sit til I can't hold my breath any longer and suck in a lung full of water. Drowning my sorrows and life at the same time. Wouldn't take long because I wouldn't struggle for life.

I want to cry so badly but the tears won't come. I want to let the pain out. Let it stream out along with the tears, or even with a flow of blood. Though I'm not at home, I do have a blade with me. I keep one with me at all times. My safety net of sorts. If things get too difficult, I can use it to bleed temporarily or bleed permanently. The choice is there, the option always open. It's sick but it helps.

I wonder how many people are out there in the world thinking these exact same thoughts right this minute. Given the number of people out there I can't possibly be the only one can I? Yet for all the people there are I feel like the only person alive. The voices I hear don't seem quite human. I can hear what they're saying but can't relate to any of it. I don't know them. Even the voices I do know don't seem quite human anymore. Maybe I'm the one that's not quite human.

Depressed. Pitiful. Healthy. Delusional. Crazy. Normal. How do I know which one I am? How does anyone ever know? I try to search my brain for the answer, but there are no answers, there are only questions. Lots of questions that eat away at me constantly. Others seem to think they have the answers, but I don't trust anyone else to get the answers from them. They can't get inside my head to see or feel the things I do, so how could they ever possibly know what I am?

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sid,
I dont think that theres too many people who struggle with mental illness that cant relate to the pain and fear of isolation.

Your not the only one who has these thoughts. Its hard to hear all the people outside laughing and talking,splashing around in the pool while you sit inside alone feeling left out.I know it sucks.
I dont know why youd run people off. You have a great personality,your smart and funny.
The only thing I think it could be is if you your very outward with your aggression.That can sometimes be intimidating to people. I know that when I show my anger or lose control, I tend to get a very negative response. So I try very hard to hide my anger which isnt always easy I know.
You certainly havnt run me off.Youve got my freindship. And your husband sure hasnt been able to stay away for too long. And dont foget youve got a daughter that loves you very much. Dont you celebrate the 4th with your daughter and family and shoot fireworks? I miss doing that when I was a kid. It would be fun to have kids on the 4th.

Ill see ya,
Take care.
Billy

12:48 AM, July 03, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have a happy Fourth of July Sid! I hope your able to spend time with your family. If not maybe you could watch the neighbors shoot fireworks. Thats probably what Ill do.

Take care!

Billy

5:25 PM, July 04, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Sid, loneliness and abandonment are my constant companions too. I'm envious of other people celebrating together and I am all alone. I don't even have my son to celebrate with. But it's not true that you have no friends. I feel like your friend, and I hope you consider me one. But I can relate in not having friends in the part of the world we live in. All my friends have gone away.

I wish you could let yourself cry. It might let out so much of the pain.

I'm sorry you feel safer carrying a blade with you. That isn't truly safe, you know. But I too can relate to that feeling, although I'm resisting the temptation.

I bet you're right. I bet that there are millions of people all over the world who are suffering deep anguish right now. How many billions of us are there? So millions isn't out of the picture. I think of the millions of people in Africa alone that are out of their homes because some tyrants came along and burned them down with all that they owned. And now they are in refugee camps, barely being fed enough, having watched their children or parents die. How can they want to go on? So you're not alone. I know you feel alone, but you're not.

Keep your daughter in mind. She needs her mom. And although you are sorely ravaged, I know that you won't do anything that would hurt her. Children can be a blessing that way.

Take tender care of yourself when you are feeling like this.

12:17 AM, July 05, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didnt mean to sound insensitive. Im very worried about you, all of you guys. Im just trying to lift your spirits. Everybodys been so sad. I just want to cheer you up,and take your mind off of things.

Please get to feeling better.
Billy

5:55 PM, July 05, 2005  

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