Wednesday, July 13, 2005

3 days left

Only three days left until my walk and my anxiety has already been growing with each passing day. Some of the problems I've identified are...Worry about being amongst 2,000+ strangers with nowhere to escape and having it trigger a panic attack. Concern about meeting the members of the team I'm walking with for lunch just hours before the event and what they will think of me. Fear that hearing the stories others have to tell about loved ones lost to suicide will trigger more depression. Guilt for still viewing suicide as a viable solution when I'm walking to help prevent it in others. Feeling stupid for not putting forth the effort to really train so I could walk the full 20 miles and for leaving all the preparations til the last minute.

I upped all my meds on my own. Figured that's all my pdoc would do. I was mostly hoping the increase in Seroquel to 300 mgs would help me sleep better. Can't take it all at once though so I took the first 100 about 45 mins before I wanted to be in bed, and then the other 200 just before I climbed into bed. Still didn't sleep very well. When I woke up my back had seized up so I took a Valium and slept another 3 hours. And still I'm tired. Exhausted beyond belief actually. Let me just sleep forever, please.


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