Monday, July 25, 2005

Stop the ride

I fucked with the layout of my blog again. I still think it looks crappy, mass produced. The same as so many others, even if I've tweaked it a bit. I still don't have the knowledge to design my own which drives me crazy. I should be smart enough. It isn't that hard. I need mine to be different, my own. Has to be perfect. But what level constitutes perfection in this instance? Whatever it is, I do know that I'll never reach it. I will always be haunted by the feeling that it's just not good enough.

Everything in my life seems driven by this unseen ideal image plastered all over the inside of my brain. Some unrealistic mantra forged long ago that I still seem to hold sacred to this day. The answer to how it got there is just as elusive as what it will take to destroy it.

My anxiety and rage levels are very high today. I want to cut, scream, cry, destroy every object within reach. Anything that will help release some of this torment inside. Anything to free myself from the grasp of these crippling mental illnesses that make me feel so inhuman.

I found myself thinking of sadistic ways to commit suicide earlier. Some to prolong the physical pain, others to simply end it in a matter of seconds. In the beginning the ideas were like being on a roller coaster, thrilling at first. But then they wouldn't stop coming and the ride seemed never ending. Twisting and bending in so many different directions it made me sick to my stomach.

Hopefully I'll sleep thru most of tomorrow. I don't want to be conscious for very long.

2 Comments:

Blogger borderline savvy said...

Your blog is fine, Sid. We are at the limitations of this site. There are only a few things that we can tweak, and your site is much better than my own. Try not to strive for perfection. If you must, strive for improvement. That makes a big difference in how hard you are on yourself.

Remember that BPD is going to trigger rage. You just don't have to act on it. The suicidal thoughts are concerning, but I hope that you won't act on any of them for your daughter's sake. At any rate, maybe you could let your T know about the thoughts. And remember, if you need to, you can go to the hospital where you can be safe. That would be far better than cutting or acting on a suicidal ideation.

Take good care of yourself, sweety. You are very important to me. I really appreciate your comments on my blog and my emails. You're a great help. Please know that you are making a positive difference in someone's life.

BIG HUGS,
Suzanne

1:09 PM, July 25, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I've been sleeping through a lot of my life lately too. I've been getting between 12-14 hours of sleep and my pdoc says TOO MUCH. DAMN!!!

I too am driven by the image of perfection and it only contributes to my anger. A lot of this comes from being raised in Mormonism which instills unrealistic expectations on people. Also, my parents were like this so, I guess I learned it. Another part I think is the mental illnesses. We desperately want to feel like we are fine and not different then others. I know I do anyway. I also understand the suicide ideation. I think about it constantly as well but so far I have been able to find reasons to stay alive. I hope that holds. As for your blog, I think it looks great. Hang in there!!

4:55 PM, July 26, 2005  

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