Stop the ride

I fucked with the layout of my blog again. I still think it looks crappy, mass produced. The same as so many others, even if I've tweaked it a bit. I still don't have the knowledge to design my own which drives me crazy. I should be smart enough. It isn't that hard. I need mine to be different, my own. Has to be perfect. But what level constitutes perfection in this instance? Whatever it is, I do know that I'll never reach it. I will always be haunted by the feeling that it's just not good enough.

Everything in my life seems driven by this unseen ideal image plastered all over the inside of my brain. Some unrealistic mantra forged long ago that I still seem to hold sacred to this day. The answer to how it got there is just as elusive as what it will take to destroy it.

My anxiety and rage levels are very high today. I want to cut, scream, cry, destroy every object within reach. Anything that will help release some of this torment inside. Anything to free myself from the grasp of these crippling mental illnesses that make me feel so inhuman.

I found myself thinking of sadistic ways to commit suicide earlier. Some to prolong the physical pain, others to simply end it in a matter of seconds. In the beginning the ideas were like being on a roller coaster, thrilling at first. But then they wouldn't stop coming and the ride seemed never ending. Twisting and bending in so many different directions it made me sick to my stomach.

Hopefully I'll sleep thru most of tomorrow. I don't want to be conscious for very long.