Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Will it work?

I don't know if this reconciliation with my ex is going to work out. I just checked email and he sent me a message that said "I love you beautiful". I want to cry, but I'm fighting back the tears. I'm not touched by what he said, but rather I'm upset by it. Why couldn't he have loved me the last 2 years we've been apart? Why couldn't he have loved me enough to never leave me? It just seems to have ripped open old wounds that I had hoped were going to finally heal.

I know why he sent it. He's having surgery on his wrist on Thursday and will be staying at a hotel near the hospital since he won't be able to drive. We had discussed possibly having a conjugal visit that night. I have yet to agree to it 100% because I'm not so sure I'm ready to take that step. But I did tell him I'd think about it. In my mind, I see him as trying to woo me into sex by breaking out the love word. He should know by now it won't work cuz it never did in the 13 yrs we were together.

Thing is, I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or what. I know how things can get twisted in my head and become a scenario I've cooked up vs. actual reality. When we talked on Friday and discussed the possibility of this happening, I did voice my concerns. I told him again I wasn't sure we were trying to reunite for the right reasons. That I felt maybe he was more interested in hooking up because he needed to get laid than for any other reason. That I was not interested in being his "bootie call". That I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to be with him and not think of him being with HER.

He assured me that he wasn't using me just for sex. That he could get that at any time. Which is true. He was always good at getting laid. But there's just this nagging doubt that I can move forward in rekindling our relationship. That I've been too hurt in the past to be able to forgive him, even though I take responsibility for everything falling apart.

It's irritating because I think I should already know the answer, have the solution and I don't. I'm just as confused now as I was when all this talk of getting back together began. I just can't let myself make the wrong choice, so I'm apt to make no choice at all.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ignore my question regarding this in my email!
I also would rather make no decision than the "wrong" decision. I do it everywhere, grocery stores, Wal Mart, resturaunts, trips, what to have for dinner at home...everywhere! Drives my hubby nuts!
Shitty thing about relationships...there isn't really a "right" or "wrong" choice. I mean, if you go for it and it fails next month...was it the "wrong" decision? What if you go for it and it fails in six years? Was it still "wrong"?
I try to protect myself from my hubby still. I will push him away, pretending I'm not too close and that I would be ok if he left. That is a big reason why I go out and kiss anyone within two feet of me! I am not doing that now, I am trying to work on getting closer with him.
But, I fully understand trying like hell not to be hurt. Only thing is, we can't control other people....shit, we can barely control ourselves! They could have very good intentions today, but hurt us tomorrow....even they couldn't have told you they were going to do it. Ya know.
Just do what makes you comfortable. If you go to the hotel room and are more than just a little nervous, say no. It is our right as women (especially mentally ill women!) to change our minds without notice!
Take care of you!

10:00 AM, July 26, 2005  
Blogger James said...


Love and relationships are tricky and I understand your skepticism. Especially after being hurt. Be CAREFUL and take as much time as you need. If he really wants to make things work then he WILL WAIT. If not,then it is time to move on. Hang in there and GOOD LUCK!!

4:49 PM, July 26, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I think it pays to be cautious here. If you don't feel ready, or if you are unsure of yours or his motivations, then I think you should be very careful about this.

Like James said, it's a tricky situation. I wish you all the best and hope you will be ok...

Polar Bear

12:36 AM, July 27, 2005  

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