Sunday, July 31, 2005

Shadow of death

I feel like death is shadowing my every move. Following me around, refusing to give up its quest to make me one of its victims. It's so hard not to turn and embrace it. To say I'm not going to fight anymore please take me away with you.

What am I fighting for anyway? Some semblance of a normal life? Wouldn't know what that was even if I had it. Am I fighting to maintain a presence in a world so full of people that very few even know I'm alive? Why am I even fighting when all I seem to be doing is sustaining the rage, sadness, guilt and pain that haunt me every second of the day?

Life makes no sense to me at all. Never has. Even the lives of those around me don't seem worth living for. Wake up at the crack of dawn, go to work for 8 or more hours a day for a paltry wage that barely pays the bills, come home and do more work in the form of cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, playing the good spouse and then go to sleep and start it all over the next day. That's all life seems to be about. What's so enjoyable about that?

Maybe I'm so disillusioned by the whole concept of life that it won't ever make sense to me. If that's the case...shouldn't I give up right now?


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Hey Sid,
I understand the whole disillusionment thing. I've felt that way a long time. I remember one time a pdoc (in another city where I was living at) asked me if I thought I was depressed. I said no, I'm not depressed. I'm simply disillusioned with life. I said life has nothing to offer me, has no appeal. But no, I'm not depressed.

My point was that my whole disillusionment was because of the way the world works. I don't love the things people love - making lots of money, having a family, loving a family. I don't believe in "family".

Depression suggests that there is something wrong with the individual. Disillusionment suggests there is something wrong with the WORLD.

I believe that.

Polar Bear

1:13 AM, August 01, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry your feeling this way. Life sometimes doesnt make much since to me either. Try and hang in there o.k?

Take care of yourself,

2:06 PM, August 01, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I am confused with life as well. I don't quite understand what it is all about and I certainly can not intigrate into it very well. Hang in there and know that we are all with you. I feel death behind me too and somehow keep avoiding it. Here's to staying alive and maybe one day finding meaning to our lives. Being a Buddhist I am starting to think that there really isn't anything to life at all exactly. Just day-in, day-out living. This is made much more difficult when you struggle with a mental illness.

7:49 PM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger jm said...

Reading your post is somewhat sad. But it is somewhat understanding how people suffer and think that death is the answer or struggle with living in this world. It is not easy, nor have we been given some promise that life would be easy. I don't know your beliefs, nor I am commenting on this to try and preach or change you. But to tell you what I found out. I have seen people, family members hit rock bottom, I myself hit that bottom as well. Death would have seemed like this answer, but then you have to ask that question why are we here? Most things that man creates is created to serve some purpose. Be it a car for transportation or a painting to look at. So what is our purpose for being born in this life. Well, it is my belief that God my creator had to have a purpose for me, but what? Here's the hard part. To Glorify Him. That's it, noting more, nothing less. What about Me? Well does a car go where it wants to go and say what about me? No it's purpose was to take its creator, Man, where man wanted to go. So if you think about well don't I deserve something great in life. Actually No. Nobody deserves any single blessing. But, we still get them from God, even though we don't deserve them, because he is a father and and a extremely loving father. If you ever get to see the big picture you could understand that we all deserve death and Hell. So what about when we screw up and do things that do not glorify him. Well if we seek his forgiveness, he is still glorified in that His Grace through his son Jesus Christ is sufficient enough to make up for all the mistakes we have ever made and will ever make. So knowing this has helped me a great deal in my life. Is life easy, NO! But am I happier, Yes. I still mess up everyday, but ask for forgiveness and move on. Someday I will get a chance to look back at my short life on this little planet and say, Wow, that's all! If only I had figured it out sooner. If you do have a belief you might give this a thought. God brings a lot of healing and things when you give him time. For me it's been 10 years from bottom. Healing doesn't happen overnite, but some peace and strength for the next day come one day at time. Good luck and God Bless!

8:49 PM, August 02, 2005  

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