Anxiety & rage

Anxiety is a fucked up thing. Of all the mental problems I have, I think this is the one I truly have the biggest problem with. Probably because I haven't always suffered from it. This is still fairly new to me. Sure in the past I'd get anxious about going on a job interview or talking in front of a crowd. But even that level of anxiety is no where near what I deal with these days. It now strikes without warning and just lingers for days on end. Ends up triggering my anger and need to cut.

I almost went off on a cop today. He was such an ass to me for no reason other than he got a shitty work detail and decided to take it out on others. I hate the power these people seem to think they wield just because they carry a gun and a badge, and how they have no problem trying to intimidate the general public for some perceived oversight of the law, though we've done nothing illegal. I did tell him to fuck off, which pissed him off even more but I don't care.

All I was doing was trying to drop the kiddie & some friends off at the local carnival. He was directing traffic, or that's what he was supposed to be doing and seemed to be failing miserably at it. I didn't go when it wasn't my turn or anything like that. All I did was pull into a turn lane, like 5 people in front of me, to pull into the parking lot. The fucker comes up to the car in front of me and mine and starts screaming at us that there is permit parking only in that lot.

I was like what the hell is he screaming for? 1) It's not exclusively for permit parking any other time of the year and there were no signs posted saying you needed one to park there for this particular event. 2) He didn't say anything to the 3 cars that were in front of us that just pulled in and turned around. 3) I wasn't pulling in to park, I was just dropping off and told him this. and 4) He could have simply told us that it was permit only instead of screaming it at us. So I that's why I told him to fuck off.

I'm still angry though. The rage had been building over the last few days and this just happened to send it out of control. The thoughts of stabbing the hell out of myself have returned. Suppose it's better that I want to stab myself than someone else right?