Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Not locked up

Well I didn't end up in the hospital, but that's probably because I held back on telling him about the whole stabbing ideation. I did tell him I was worse and that the anxiety is killing me. He asked about cutting and I told him that yes I was doing it. He did recommend hospitalization, but I gave him an evil look that conveyed the message of 'say that again and I'll murder your ass right here & now' and angrily told him I refuse to go back there.

So now I'm supposed to go off the Neurontin and go on Nortriptyline. As he's telling me about the new med and possible side effects, he tells me that he can only give me a limited supply of the pills because a full month's dose would be fatal if I took it. Hello? You just told someone that's chronically suicidal how to kill themselves? You should have seen my face light up. All I have to do is save up the pills and bingo, I've guaranteed myself a trip to the morgue. Thanks Mr. Pdoc, I owe you one.

He had me sign a release so he could talk to my T. Can't wait til Thursday to find out what they talked about. He said he wanted to discuss my treatment plan with her. As far as I know, I don't have one. I just go see her each week and get more frustrated. Didn't know there was an actual plan associated with that.

Anyway, my car has a six disc cd changer and the titles currently sitting in there are
1) Sum 41 - Chuck
2) Staind - Break the Cycle
3) Good Charlotte - The Chronicles of Life & Death
4) Green Day - American Idiot
5) Blink 182 - Self-titled
6) Sum 41 - Does This Look Infected

When I got into the car after my pdoc visit and turned the ignition, the song Hyper-Insomnia-Para-Condrioid by Sum 41 started. The lyrics are fitting for how I'm feeling, so here's another song that belongs on the soundtrack of my life.

Hyper-Insomnia-Para-Condrioid By Sum 41

Silence is ringing in my head
Stuck on repeat
Not much longer
I'll be dead
So just forget me
I'm losing my mind
And I don't think you could save me this time
And it goes

[Chorus]
On and on
And I just feel helpless
How long will this take to wear off?
On and on
When will I get through this?
Welcome to my own down and out

I'm falling deeper in this hole, to disaster
I'm gripping what I thought, control was falling faster
I'm losing my mind
And I don't think you could save me this time
And it goes

[Chorus]

It's dragging on
I'm wearing thin
I can't stop these walls
They keep caving in
It's gone too far
Where's my mind?
Why can't time stop fear, this paranoia?

It's a never ending story
And it starts with me
It's a never ending story
And it starts with me
And it goes

[Chorus]

Welcome, welcome (It's never ending)
Welcome to my own down and out
Welcome, welcome (I'm falling further)
Welcome to my own down and out

5 Comments:

Blogger Tania0110 said...

nice song!

8:59 PM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger dawn said...

i think it's neat how sometimes i get in a car and the 1st song that comes on could have actually been written with me in mind-weird. your cd collection and my cd collection are very similar.

10:23 PM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

Did your P-doc tell you that Neurontin can cause suicidal thoughts?

10:18 PM, August 03, 2005  
Blogger James said...

That song sums things up for me too right now. Green Day's American Idiot is an excellent album and I dare say their best.

1:43 PM, August 04, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope everythings o.k ?

Take care
Billy

5:05 PM, August 05, 2005  

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