Monday, August 01, 2005

See the pdoc tomorrow

I see the pdoc tomorrow and I'm not sure what to tell him. Two months ago when I saw him I was doing better, but shortly thereafter I began the downward spiral again. I even upped my meds myself to no avail. I feel like I'll be letting him down if I say I'm depressed as hell again. I feel that every time we go thru this, we get one step closer to him giving up on me despite his own insistence that he won't.

How can I tell him I'm not doing well again when he was so optimistic we'd finally begun to make some progress? How do I explain that my anxiety has been so high I'm butchering the hell out of myself in an attempt to find some relief? How do I tell him that I'm having those thoughts of stabbing myself over and over? How do I mention that I'm beginning to find solace in planning for my own demise again? But most of do I tell him all this without getting my ass thrown in the hospital against my will??

I'm on the verge of tears a lot the last few days, but just when I think I can finally get the floodgates to open, I panic and try to distract from letting them out. Afraid that I won't ever stop crying once I start. That I'll cry what little life I have left right out of me. I need to cry though to let some of this pain, anger, frustration and sorrow out.

I'm beginning to think that fear is my biggest obstacle in life. Never thought I was that fearful, but now I'm not so sure. Fear keeps me from taking my own life, from taking steps towards wellness, from making commitments, keeps me prisoner behind the walls I've built to protect myself from the world, keeps me from forming relationships with others. It's basically controlling my life, keeping me trapped in a place I don't want to be but yet can't seem to find the right direction to turn in order to get out.

I associate fear with weakness and I guess I just don't want to accept that I may actually be a weak person. I've fought like hell for so long, against an unseen enemy, that I think admitting weakness will mean admitting I've been a fool all this time. That I knew myself even less than I thought. The few things I associated with my identity would all just be a lie I deceived myself with. How does one go about accepting that kind of mistake? It's certainly not a common human error so I don't want anyone trying to make me feel better by telling me that we all make that kind of mistake, I'm not going to buy it.

I think now I can finally cry. Cry for how foolish I've been. How stupid I've been for not knowing how to live. Not knowing how to be human.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please tell your doctor everything.
And dont feel bad about needing to cry, we all do it. Go ahead and cry all you want,it will make you feel better.
I hope he can get you on some medicine to help you feel better.I hope this passes soon, I hate that your going through this. Please hang in there and dont give up.

Take care of yourself,

11:45 PM, August 01, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I hope you go in there and be honest with your pdoc. Maybe he needs to adjust your meds.

If you don't tell him everything, he can't help you. I know it's been hard for you, and it's been a struggle. That's why you need to see what options there are for you - in terms of meds and support.

Take care

12:58 AM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger Dawn said...

hi there and i would like to thank ou for visiting me over at my place. i too am enjoyin gyour blog and will have to be back to visit so i can read the rest. i have another blog as well,it's just started so not much there,but you're welcome to it:

6:20 AM, August 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although it is true that the more honest you are, the more the pdoc can help....I totally understand your position, given my experiences with being honest with t's and pdocs. However, hospitalization may just be what you need right now. I hope you get through it ok. I know that sometimes the appointments can cause more damage, at least for the short-term.
Take care of you!

12:29 PM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I agree with telling your doctor everything but maybe you could say that you want to avoid the hospital at all costs. I understand what you said about fear. It rules my life a lot of the time too. I do not think, however, that you are weak. Anyone who fights day-in, day-out with a mental illness like we do is not weak. Hang on, hold on to us and together we will get through this rough patch.

7:38 PM, August 02, 2005  
Blogger Salem Watchen said...

Going to the hospital for a bit isn't the worst thing in the world. You should have a frank talk with your doc and tell him that whatever you're doing isn't working. He shouldn't have you committed unless you tell him you're thinking about hurting yourself or someone else, but then again, if you are, you may want to take a break and check in.

I hope you feel better. Has he considered anything besides medication?

8:30 PM, August 02, 2005  
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8:35 PM, August 02, 2005  

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