See the pdoc tomorrow

I see the pdoc tomorrow and I'm not sure what to tell him. Two months ago when I saw him I was doing better, but shortly thereafter I began the downward spiral again. I even upped my meds myself to no avail. I feel like I'll be letting him down if I say I'm depressed as hell again. I feel that every time we go thru this, we get one step closer to him giving up on me despite his own insistence that he won't.

How can I tell him I'm not doing well again when he was so optimistic we'd finally begun to make some progress? How do I explain that my anxiety has been so high I'm butchering the hell out of myself in an attempt to find some relief? How do I tell him that I'm having those thoughts of stabbing myself over and over? How do I mention that I'm beginning to find solace in planning for my own demise again? But most of all....how do I tell him all this without getting my ass thrown in the hospital against my will??

I'm on the verge of tears a lot the last few days, but just when I think I can finally get the floodgates to open, I panic and try to distract from letting them out. Afraid that I won't ever stop crying once I start. That I'll cry what little life I have left right out of me. I need to cry though to let some of this pain, anger, frustration and sorrow out.

I'm beginning to think that fear is my biggest obstacle in life. Never thought I was that fearful, but now I'm not so sure. Fear keeps me from taking my own life, from taking steps towards wellness, from making commitments, keeps me prisoner behind the walls I've built to protect myself from the world, keeps me from forming relationships with others. It's basically controlling my life, keeping me trapped in a place I don't want to be but yet can't seem to find the right direction to turn in order to get out.

I associate fear with weakness and I guess I just don't want to accept that I may actually be a weak person. I've fought like hell for so long, against an unseen enemy, that I think admitting weakness will mean admitting I've been a fool all this time. That I knew myself even less than I thought. The few things I associated with my identity would all just be a lie I deceived myself with. How does one go about accepting that kind of mistake? It's certainly not a common human error so I don't want anyone trying to make me feel better by telling me that we all make that kind of mistake, I'm not going to buy it.

I think now I can finally cry. Cry for how foolish I've been. How stupid I've been for not knowing how to live. Not knowing how to be human.