Mentally paralyzed
As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep last night, I was having the obsessive, paranoid thoughts again that were generating a great deal of rage. The focus this time was on my being worse off now that I have this damned BPD diagnosis than I was when I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. That's backasswards I know. People are supposed to be worse when they don't know what's wrong and once they find out what's causing all their troubles, they feel a bit better in knowing the root of the problem and can move forward working on getting themselves better. Not to say it is an easy road to wellness, but typically people can shift their focus to what needs to be done next.
I've been mentally paralyzed by this diagnosis. I can't move forward or backwards or hell, even sideways. It was easier to accept that I was just a fucking weirdo, different from everyone else than to accept that the problem is much worse and runs much deeper than that. How does one accept that their very essence, their personality, is flawed? And how did I not know about it until 3 yrs ago?
The source of my rage last night was over how I've become so confused as to what is a real and valid thought vs. what is a distortion. The BPD diagnosis has made me question everything because I'd been so wrong about myself all these years. I'm almost afraid to have a thought enter my mind because I can't identify the truth from fiction. Spent last night wondering if my past memories are based in reality or if it's one I created for myself. I'm no longer positive that they really happened.
I don't know, it's all too fucking confusing for me. So onto other things...
I remembered earlier that Ms. N is going to be gone for two weeks in September. I'm not looking forward to it. The last therapist that told me they were going to be gone for a specific amount of time never returned, so I'm very worried that Ms. N will do the same. I don't know if she's just going on vacation or what. I don't like to ask personal questions. Figure if it was something I needed to know, she'd tell me.
I was tagged several days ago by James to name my six favorite songs. Since I've put it off long enough, I decided I'd finally do it. It's hard to pick just a few, so I'm just going to name the last six songs I actually listened to and didn't skip past while the i-pod was on shuffle. They are:
1) Open Your Eyes - Sum 41
2) Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day
3) Doomsday - Transplants
4) Stockholm Syndrome - Blink 182
5) Bleed Like Me - Garbage
6) Thank You - Simple Plan
That's the best I can do because I listen to a lot of music each day and they're all favorites. If anyone reads this and is interested in naming their 6 faves, feel free to do so in the comments.
5 Comments:
Sid,
Oh that earie feeling of reading your blog and thinking, "Can people read my mind from across the country?" Ok, I don't really think that. But, seriously, everyting you have written hits way too far home for me. I feel like the diagnoses have become me. I revolve around them. To know that you have a personality disorder....my personality is WRONG...so wrong, it is ILL. This is a tough load to carry. I find sometimes that I become obsessed with my illnesses and focus on nothing else, this is when I become much sicker in my illness. I don't trust my own feelings or memories (I know you read my blog about that). It is a scary place to be. Try to find comfort that if we are in fact flawed, we are not the only flawed people. And, who's to say those who have decided the rest of us are flawed aren't flawed themselves?
Regardless, I think you are a wonderful, intellegent, precious person....flaws and all.
Take care of you!
Shannin
I think that if I had known what was wrong, then maybe I wouldnt have been so confused, but I dont know if it would have made me feel any better or not. But at least things would have made more since.
But like Shannon said, we are all flawed. We shouldnt feel ashamed of having an illness.
Dont put yourself down, you have a lot gifts.
Heres some of my favorite songs and artists. There mostly classics.
1. Power of love Luther Vandrous
2.Take another little
piece of my JanisJoplin
heart.
3.Rock of ages Def Lepeard
4.Edge of seventeen Stevie Nicks
and many others
heart.
5. Some by Depech Mode
6. Several by U.2
hey Sid. i feel the exact same way you do...like my thoughts are being somehow transmitted to the world, when i know in reality they arent. i too, have become almost obsessed with my illness...i surf the 'Net constantly seeking out information that i already know, yet it's like a neverending search...BTW, u and i share a liking for the "L&O SVU" series. i love that one too!
well, i'm gonna name 6 of my favorite songs...at least try to anyways...
1)Footsteps in the Dark - Isley Bros.
2)My Mind's Playin Tricks On Me - Geto Boyz
3)I've Passed This Way Before - Jimmy Ruffin (the Temptations' David Ruffin's brother)
4)In The Rain - The Dramatics
5)Love Dont Love Nobody - The Spinners
6)Can Heaven Wait - Luther Vandross
as you can see i'm a 'dusties' (oldies) fan, but i have other musical tastes too. so these are my picks.
take care of yourself ok?
genelle
"How does one accept that their very essence, their personality, is flawed? And how did I not know about it until 3 yrs ago?"
I think there is nothing wrong with our personalities. I think we have some of the best personalities in this sometimes cruel world. It is our bodies/brains that are flawed but it sure feels like we as souls/spiritual beings are flawed.
Great songs by the way, especially Green Day. Lori and I are going to their concert!! Yey!! I'm so excited!!!
Sid,
Having BPD does NOT mean that we have personalities that are flawed. Not at all. It does not mean we are defective, inadequate or lesser of a human being than everyone else.
Having BPD simply means that we have a set of symptoms that match the DSM criteria for this particular diagnosis. But what does it all mean? It means diddly squat. The only helpful thing is that once diagnosed properly, we can then be started on treatments that work - like DBT. DBT has been known to help a LOT of people. But we have to put in the work. It doesn't work if we don;t put effort into it.
It's important that you realise you are not flawed, or defective, Sid. Because I feel that a lot of times you feel that way. To be honest, I do too. I'm lucky that I have a therapist that reminds me constantly that I am not.
People who have BPD are usually people whose biological nature are towards the "sensitive side" and they often grow up in invalidating environments. Researchers say that this leads to a high chance of developing BPD. I believe this is true.
Sid - you are NOT flawed. I can't emphasise that enough....
Take care
Polar
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