Sunday, August 14, 2005


I feel trapped today. As if I'm stuck in quicksand and I can no longer breath but yet I'm still conscious, at least for the moment. Just waiting for the last of my life to be sucked out of me. Afraid to move, afraid to yell out for help, afraid that I won't die fast enough.

Today there has been no hiding behind the facade of serenity. I've been crying most of the day and everyone here can tell something is very wrong. Haven't been able to make the tears stop. I even cried thru dinner, what little I was able to choke down. I told them I was fine. There's nothing anyone can do anyway, so why burden them with my troubles.

Luckily the kiddie was only home for dinner. She gave me a big hug afterwards. Usually hugs from her warm my heart. Today I just felt guilty. Guilty for making her worry about me. Guilty for not being a better mom. Guilty for not being able to overcome this debilitating depression, anxiety and BPD. Guilty for wanting to die.

I took stock of my stash of pills. Trying to remember what some of them were...Valium, Ativan, Lithium, Ritalin, Seroquel, Remeron, Paxil, Trileptal, Zoloft, Lamictal, Nortriptyline, Neurontin. All tried and failed. I was so tempted to just start popping them in my mouth, one right after the other, until I hurled and/or passed out cold. But I forced myself to put them away. Had I not previously thrown them away, I'd have so many more varieties...Wellbutrin, Effexor, Geodon, Prozac and the list goes on. Each pill a reminder of my failure as a human being.

If misery loves company, then I must be one hell of a house guest.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

im sorry youve been crying. i do it a lot to. it usually helps to cry, i hope its helping you.
i know your deeply depressed, but please dont hurt yourself or take any pills. Please just try and hang on. im praying for you o.k?

many hugs,

12:53 AM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I know it's hard. Just wanted to give you a hug.

1:27 AM, August 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally understand the guilty bit. I sometimes sit in my girls' room and cry while they sleep. I whisper how sorry I am as I stroke their hair.
I also take "stock" of my horded pills: ativan, klonopin, haldol, depakote, zonegran, triliptal, darvoset, lamictal, lithium, zoloft, buspar, risperidal..... none of which works...except the darvoset!...and the ativan and klonopin if you take enough. But, nothing for the long-term. I have sat myself in numerous walk-in closets nunerous times with all of these bottles coupled with a bottle of whatever I had on hand. So tempted to just start swallowing. Looking at my kids in my sane moments makes me glad I never had the balls to do it. I would just take an ativan and a swig and go to bed. Start over the next day.
I hope you are able to "start over" too.
Take care of you.

5:16 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

hi sid. i also totally understand the guilt feelings. just today i cried because i felt like my daughters (who mean the world to me) shouldnt have to look after me or try and take care of me, loser that i am. so hon, you are NOT alone. (((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))
p.s. thanks for adding my blog to your site! now if only i knew how to do that then i will definitely add your blog to my site ;)

10:15 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

oh ((((((((((Sid)))))))))). I am so sorry you are feeling depressed. I remember when my son was still living at home feeling guilty that I was depressed all the time and ruining his sweet life. But they grow up despite us, hon.

Take that stash of yours and toss it. You can't do that to your daughter. I know the desparate feeling of wanting to swallow the whole lot, but you've got to get up the courage and flush them away. They're just temptations waiting to happen. Remember that sweet girl of yours and how much she needs you, even if you can't be all that you want to be for her. I know I wasn't a good mom, and I feel guilty about that a lot. But you know what? I did the best that I could with what I was given, and that's what you are doing, too. You're a much better mother than you give yourself credit for.

Get rid of the stash, Sid.

Big hugs to a good friend,

11:47 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I love you Sid.

I can really relate to the quicksand metaphor.

"Afraid to move, afraid to yell out for help, afraid that I won't die fast enough."

Yes, this is EXACTLY how I have felt lately too.

I have the long list of pills too sitting in a box. I don't know why I save them when my doctor shifts to something else. I suppose it comes from that desire always in the back of my mind to leave this life.

Anyway, I guess I'm not much help here but I do understand and I am always here for you.

10:23 AM, August 16, 2005  
Anonymous Ativan Side Effects said...

My name is Brian Lane and i would like to show you my personal experience with Ativan.

I am 30 years old .I started taking this drug about 10 years ago to help with some pretty bad anxiety and depression I was having at the time. I started taking a 1mg dose twice a day 1 in morning and 1 before bed. I tapered myself down to .5mg twice a day and then finally was able to get off it for about 3 months this year. I just started taking it in .5mg doses again due to the anxiety and depression resurfacing after 10 years. I dont know if its coming back because I got off the medicine or just that I am having a relapse but I have to honestly tell you that those years in between when I was taking it were the best years of my life. Just be VERY careful not to take this in larger doses.

Side Effects :
sleepiness, addiction It really helped me for what I was taking it for but it was very difficult to stop.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Brian Lane

1:05 PM, September 30, 2008  

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