Saturday, August 13, 2005


I've been rather neglectful of many things lately. This blog being one of the victims. Just have no desire to keep putting random thoughts down because they don't seem to be very random. They just seem to be a repeat of things from the past, things I've already written.

This past week was the busiest I've had all summer, which is actually very pathetic when I think about it because I really didn't do that much. Monday I went to lunch with the captain of the team I did the walk with. Tuesday I babysat my nieces for a few hours. Wednesday I got the kiddie registered for school and then at night we went to the Green Day concert.

Thursday I was supposed to see Ms. N, but she cancelled on me at the last minute. Can't remember just how many times she's done that now. Three, four, five? I don't know. All I know is that it is fucking irritating as hell. She called yesterday morning, I assume to reschedule, but I didn't take her call nor did I call her back until after I knew she'd be gone from the office. I think she has MS or Parkinson's. I haven't asked, but I remember one time I saw her the day after she'd cancelled on me and she was doing the Muhammed Ali shake. I flip-flopped between being genuinely concerned for her to being really annoyed that she couldn't sit still. Part of the reason why I didn't take her call this morning. Didn't want to run the risk of going thru that again.

The Green Day concert was phenomenal. I've literally seen hundreds of shows...some even being rather historical moments like Nirvana's first concert in Chicago, when they were just an opening act (before Smells Like Teen Spirit hit it big). But I'd have to rank this Green Day one in the top 5, it was that good. The kiddie was upset (aka jealous) that they picked another kid out of the audience to squirt the water canon at everyone and again when they picked people to play their instruments for them. But she had an awesome time as well. Her friends are all jealous that I took her because their parents never would. So now I've been told that I have to buy extra tickets if Green Day comes back thru cuz apparently 2 of her friends would have been allowed to go with us had they known sooner we were going.

I had strange levels of paranoia Monday night. It caused a lot of anxiety and I'm still trying to recover. I couldn't get the intrusive thought out of my head that I've been saddled with this borderline diagnosis as part of a strange medical experiment. To see if someone can be driven to suicide by making them believe that they have this thing wrong with them yet providing no real help in dealing with it. To see just how hopeless someone would become and to see who can pull themselves back to reality and who dies.

Reading it now makes me see how foolish that thought was, and yet...a part of me still is trying to fight to believe it. Just keep slipping further into the dark depths of the hellish mentally ill existence I've been living. The more I try to make sense of things, come to terms with stuff, the worse I get.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tend to feel the same way, just writing things down over and over. But it seems to make me feel better, and I think if it helps you feel better, then you should to, even if you have to write it down a hundred times.
Ive been trying to make since of things to, and it hasnt helped me much either. But one thing that does help is reading your blog, it comforts me, and I never get tired of anything you say.
Im glad you had a good time at the concert.
I know your having a hard time right now. Please hang in there.

Take care of you

6:17 PM, August 14, 2005  

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