Crying in the night

I woke up crying in the middle of the night. Grieving for a lost friend and father figure. I dreamt that I was at his funeral. The funeral I actually did attend but have no recollection of. In the dream I was there with one of the other woman who'd worked with him at the mail order company. I just felt this tremendous loss and broke into tears. The tears were still flowing long after I'd awaken.

Jan didn't get to attend the funeral. To this day, I'm not even sure if she's aware he passed on. I was in the hospital when I got news of his death and when I called my ex to find phone numbers for me, hers wasn't in my phone book.

I should try and find my journal that includes that day. See where I was mentally and see if I wrote anything about the funeral that might trigger a memory. I have a feeling I was so entrapped in my own mind and suffering, so out of touch with reality, that I never told his family I was sorry for their loss. Never took the time to say goodbye to him. I've thought about asking them if I could visit his grave, but I'm too afraid they'll say no. But no is the answer I should expect and the answer I deserve.

My father is out of town for the next week. He's off on some annual fishing trip that he missed for the first time last year because I was in the hospital. I told him it would make me feel guilty if he didn't go, but he insisted on staying home. He seemed excited to be going this year. Think my mother appreciates the break from him as well.

So tomorrow mother & I are off to take the first leg of the Luxury Home Tour. There are 17 new homes around the Chicago area between $1.3 and 3.1 million each that are on the tour. We're splitting it up into 3 legs because of where the houses are located. Tomorrow we're going to see the homes in Woodstock, Barrington and Inverness. The following week we'll go to the ones in Lake Forest, Wilmette and Chicago. The 3rd week we'll see the ones in St. Charles and Wheaton.

I know I won't ever be able to afford something in that price range. Heck I probably wouldn't even buy anything that big if I could afford it. But I enjoy going thru and seeing these beautiful houses. It's the one time I allow myself to dream big.