Train wreck

Today's visit with Ms. N was an absolute train wreck. I'd gone back to bed after finding out the pdoc cancelled and didn't bother to get up until I had to leave to make my appointment with Ms. N. Gave myself enough time to dress and that's about it. Didn't bother to shower, put on makeup, brush my teeth or anything.

As I walk up to the desk to sign in, guess who's standing there waiting for me. My whimpy ass counselor. I didn't bother to acknowledge his presence at first so he just starts telling me they changed the groups...no fucking duh asshole, you told me that last Wednesday. The receptionist then interjects and asks if she had talked to me about rescheduling my pdoc appointment and I said "yes, it was another part of the shit sandwich you people have started feeding me along with fucking up the group schedule." Think everyone within earshot was a little startled by that, but what the fuck, it's true so I said it.

Then whimpy tells me he really needs to discuss which groups I'll be attending, not even acknowledging that I'm beyond pissed off. We went into the conference room and I tell him I'm not even sure I'll be attending any more groups. Again, seemingly oblivious to my anger, he starts going over the groups I'd been going to one by one and asking if I'm going to continue. Um hello whimpydickfuck...didn't I just say 5 seconds ago I don't know if I'll even bother with the groups anymore? Since the moron is obviously just that, a moron, I tell him I'll consider doing the Monday groups I was in, but that is all and it's dependent on whether or not my therapist can once again adjust our visits to accommodate their groups.

Then he asks about Tuesday. I told him I don't fucking drive out there on Tuesdays. Then he goes onto Wednesday and asks why I don't want to do the groups I was. Cuz I don't want to sit around for the three hours in between you stupid fuck. Then he asks if there's anything I wanted to do on Thursday. I told him yeah, next Thursday I want to come beat the fucking crap out of him for being so fucking stupid. He gasps like the little whimpy ass he is and I walk out.

So then it's off to meet with Ms. N and that didn't go much better. First thing she asks is if I rescheduled with the pdoc. I said I would just be sticking with my current pdoc because in over 2 years of seeing him, he's never once cancelled on me that I can remember. That I can't see a new dr trying anything my current dr hasn't already tried and that since the only days the pdocs there see anyone is Wednesday & Thursday, there isn't any point in me driving half an hour each way just to spend 15 mins with someone when I can drive 10 mins to my current pdocs office. She tries to convince me that maybe I need a fresh opinion on my treatment and that it's rare that any of their pdocs cancel. Considering I was cancelled on before I ever even met the woman, I'm not taking any fucking chances.

Then she sees the group schedule in my hand and asks if I met with my counselor. So we discussed all that bullshit. She tried to get me to do the Wednesday groups by saying I could meet with her in between. Ok, so instead of sitting around for 3 hours, I can do it for two? No fucking thanks. Then she asks what I'd be doing in that time anyway if I was at home. I told her I wouldn't be sitting on my ass staring off into space.

She so didn't seem to understand why I'd be pissed off about the group changes. So I had to explain to her about having a set schedule to bring some normalcy and structure into my life, something most mentally ill people need. Is this such a hard concept to grasp? She's the one that told me I should do the groups for just that purpose. She tells me my thinking is too rigid. I told her there's nothing wrong with expecting to stick to a certain schedule. The groups they added are just a bunch of shit "fun & game" type groups that they could have scheduled around the important ones that are actually helpful and provide skills training, which were the ones I was attending.

Next she asks if I've ever considered doing volunteer work. That I could do that on Wednesdays for structure. I was so fucking pissed off and frustrated with her not understanding where I was coming from that I almost walked out on her. I tried explaining that it's shit like this with the groups, with the pdoc canceling that make me feel angry. That it's a snap back to reality that I'm a worthless, hopeless piece of shit that will always be miserable despite trying to change things. Of course she tells me everyone goes through obstacles, everyone has crap to deal with. I told her most of my crap comes up when I'm trying to get help, trying to do the things everyone tells me I'm supposed to in order to get better. As if my own obstacles weren't bad enough, I'm getting ones thrown at me from the very people that are supposed to be trying to help me. It's a fucking sign, I know it is and I don't even believe in that kinda crap.

UGH! I swear if my daughter didn't have her birthday coming up I'd just fucking check out of life right now. I feel like it's time to start making D-day plans again. Should have just kept up with the plan that I had this time last year. I'm a fucking idiot for not finishing it all.