Suckier?

Each day gets suckier than the last. Not sure that's even a word, suckier, but fuck it, I'm using it anyway. Woke up feeling sick this morning, think I really am getting the flu. Of course here's how mentally disturbed I am right now....I actually believe someone that was sick sneezed on their hand and touched my car door handle. Yeah, I'm losing it. I even know that doesn't sound rational, but yet somehow my brain is processing it as the truth.

I haven't been around anyone else that's sick, I don't touch door handles and stuff for fear of germs (especially during flu season), I wash my hands regularly but yet I'm still sick. So that's my theory up there and I'm sticking to it.

I had a bad day at groups today. I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and went anyway. I didn't want to talk to anyone and all these fucking happy, cheerful people kept saying hi to me. I refused to speak in the first group and couldn't do the worksheet they passed out. It was for the self esteem group and we were supposed to write positive affirmations about ourselves. There were 24 items we were supposed to fill in the blanks for, I did nine. Suppose that's better than nothing considering the crappy fucking mood I'm in.

Then after that, my counselor for the group program tells me they're switching up the groups starting next month and asked if I'd be there tomorrow for the meeting about it. I just said I wouldn't and walked away. Just when I'm getting used to my schedule, kinda sorta, they're switching it up....joy, oh happy fucking joy. All I care about is that they have decent groups on Monday & Wednesday because I'm not going in there any other days. Guess I'll wait to see if the guy calls me to discuss what the changes are before I let any rage get to me.

I walked out of the other group, anxiety control, after about half an hour. I just couldn't handle being around all those people. So I went outside and had a smoke. I had to sit around for an hour & a half to see my therapist at 1 pm. So I journaled while I was sitting there. Bunch of negative shit I'm sure. I honestly don't remember and don't care to reread what I wrote.

Seeing Ms. N was hard. I gave her my tracker for the week and luckily I wrote on there about how fucking pissed off I was about people coming into DBT late and that I think they should make it a rule that if you're more than 5-10 mins late you should have to wait in the lobby until break time. Gave us something to talk about. She wanted to know why I would rage over something like that. Um...hello? Doesn't anyone understand disrespect anymore?????? Granted I'm probably overreacting by raging, but it really fucking pisses me off when people do shit like that.

She of course went on her little speech like she did last time that when someone is raging, there are deeper issues that are triggering the rage. We never did figure it out or maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention to her to hear if she said anything that might have been the truth. She makes assumptions, tries to guess at the deeper issues and all I say most of the time is "maybe" cuz I really don't fucking know.

Then she asks what are my plans for the rest of the week. Told her I was going to go home, wait for my sister to come over so we can discuss something, then I'm taking my meds and going to bed. If I wake up before tomorrow, I'm taking even more meds and going back to sleep. Somehow she thinks this is an unhealthy coping skill. It's a hell of a lot better than cutting the fuck out of myself or drinking myself into oblivion, now isn't it? Ugh, is there no pleasing anyone?