Sunday, January 01, 2006

Disappointed

I just spent some time reading over some of the posts from last year, doing a mini "year in review". Got the idea from Shannin's blog, though I have no intention of summarizing what happened, mainly because it's too depressing.

I'm disappointed in myself. The posts over the last few months have been rather mundane as compared to those earlier in the year. Guess I sound a bit more intellectual when I'm suicidal vs. simply being overly depressed. My brain works harder, has more activity. Of course I was off my meds for awhile at the beginning of last year too, so maybe it's the meds making me sound like an idiot. Or hell, maybe I am just an idiot.

I managed to make it through last night despite the depression. Had 5 drinks, 4 Valium and my Seroquel. I refused to get up and grab the stash, so I didn't overdose. I know that if I would have gone for the bottles, I would have taken them all. I found myself searching for the overdose information on Valium online. At that point I knew I was in trouble so I simply took what meds were still remaining in my pill box and left it at that. I knew there wasn't enough to do any harm. Passed out rather quickly which was good.

I'm irritable today though. I've already snipped at the ex for complaining about how my phone sucks and he can't hear me. Funny thing is, he's the only one that's ever said anything so maybe it's HIS fucking phone that doesn't work well. I angrily told him I didn't have money to buy a new fucking phone so he'd have to deal with it.

I'm looking forward to the kiddie returning to school on Wednesday, but I'm not looking forward to anything else I need to do that day, the main one being my meeting with the new pdoc. What the hell is she going to try that my current pdoc now hasn't? He's probably had far more experience and is far more knowledgeable given that he's the Head of Psychiatry at the nearest psych ward. But I'll go and talk to this lady, we'll see what happens.

Just stay out of the hospital til after January 14th Sid, just hang on that long, please. You have to be there for your daughter's party. There's no one else that can fill in for you.

4 Comments:

Blogger Shannin said...

looking through my shit was pretty depressing too... though how much further down can i get... not much...
i hope your pdoc goes well, sweetie...
hang in there...and take care of you... you are my strong big sis, remember???

4:45 PM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

hope your pdoc visit goes well too Sid. i'm here if you need me.

take care of YOU!

genelle

5:28 PM, January 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anna said...

Looking through my crap was depressing as well. I shouldn't have even read any of it. Happy New Year and hopefully things will be better for all of us in 2006

7:17 PM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

The last year went by in a miserable blurr before I even knew it, much like the years before that.

What's probably called for is a shift in focus or change in mindset, but mine's a broken record.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm just hanging on like you. I don't really know what gives me relief but there is just enough of it to keep me going.

Happy New Year and take care of yourself, Sid.

3:15 AM, January 02, 2006  

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