Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Returning to a schedule

The working world is preparing to return to its post-holiday schedule. I can tell because the people I normally chat with, the ones that are still sane enough to hold jobs, aren't online like they have been since Thursday nite. Not that I want to chat with any of them right now anyway, but it's odd not to see my favorite chatroom full at this hour when it has been for so many days.

I'm very anxious about my own return to my "regular" schedule since I fear that it will not be the one I was beginning to adjust to. I have a whole lot of calls to make and errands to run later today. The downside of having a journal to keep me organized is that I feel if I write something down in it, I must complete all those tasks. I have to assign days to do them and due to the holiday, I assigned them all for today. I know they all won't get done and then I'll beat myself up because of it.

My worst anxiety is coming from learning what the new group schedule will be. I will still have DBT on Tuesday nights, which starts back up tonite. But I fear finding out what they've changed for the day groups and how I'll react if there aren't any I'm interested in attending on Mondays and Wednesdays because they've all been switched to other days of the week. I find myself playing out the worst case scenario in my head, exploding into a borderline rage and hurting myself badly. When I catch myself doing this, I try to stop my thoughts and say I can't predict the future. They may have scheduled better groups for those two days. But all I have to go off of is past experience which has taught me to expect the worst because that is what happens about 98% of the time.

I plan to head to DBT early tonight so I can take a look at the new day schedule, unless my counselor gives me a call during the day. The fucker didn't bother to call me Thursday or Friday to even discuss it when I told him I wouldn't be there for the meeting so I highly doubt he'll call. I know I could have called him since it's my treatment, but I didn't want to spend the whole weekend angry which is what would have happened if there is bad news. Anger + the depression I already had to deal with = Sid WOULD have overdosed.

Yesterday I met up with Nicole at Barnes & Noble for some coffee. I invited her to come help me keep an eye on the teens at my daughter's party. Not sure if she'll be able to because she has her own kids to take care of, but if she can I think we'll have a good time. I finally heard back from my friend Kerry because I also invited her along to help out too. She's not sure if she can make it yet, but she said we'd try and meet for lunch this week. She's bipolar, as is her daughter. Makes me wonder, if Nicole and/or Kerry can help me out, what would the parents of my daughter's friends think if they found out all the adults supervising their kids have mental illnesses?

Just goes to show you...it's really hard to identify who the "crazies" really are. In most cases you don't know what's going on underneath the surface of those you run into during the course of your day or your life simply by looking at them. I think everyone comes in contact with someone with mental illness on a regular basis, but never even realizes it.


Blogger Shannin said...

what an interesting thought, about the "crazies" supervising the party... it isn't like any of you look the "part"... i would prefer any of you "crazies" than my mom and all her spun out buddies that used to "supervise" my parties growing up!

10:58 AM, January 03, 2006  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

Call me if you need to!!

:* Princess

3:25 PM, January 03, 2006  

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