Off the wall

I could be completely off the wall wrong on this, but I noticed my anxiety has been dramatically rising as the weekend wears on. Then I remembered that I have an appointment to see my Ms. N tomorrow. Correlation? Possibly. It just seems incomprehensible that the anxiety would kick in for something I'm not consciously aware of and thinking about at the time.

It's like the panic attacks I used to have each night for years. It didn't make any sense that I'd be hit with a panic attack in the middle of the night when I'm fast asleep and at my most relaxed. It just went against everything I had ever learned. To this day I still can't fathom the concept that they were really panic attacks. Cuz at the time I had never experienced one during the day, only at night after I'd fallen into a deep sleep. Since then I've had the displeasure of having them during the day, so I do know they were panic attacks, but yet there's still a part of it that I can't wrap my brain around.

Anyway, I haven't seen my T in over a month. I was in the hospital two weeks, then she was on vacation for two weeks and when she came back last week her schedule was booked. Of course my mind has twisted it to think she wasn't really booked last week, she just didn't want to have to deal with me right away. That she was using it as punishment for going into the hospital before she went on vacation, as if I were trying some sadistic manipulation tactic. The latter thought is generated from her self-absorbed thinking that I tried to kill myself at the end of last year merely because she had gone on vacation. Despite my assurances that it had nothing to do with her, she still held on to her false belief.

If only I could give her the link to this blog. She could read it for herself and know that I was struggling long before she ever even told me about either vacation. I know it does seem suspect that both hospitalizations happened around her trips (first one was after her return, the second was before she left); but if she could read my blog and see where I was at mentally, she'd know it was mere coincidence.

I've found that it's useless to try and explain yourself to mental health people. Seems like they all take the stance that they're the sane ones, we're the fucked up ones and therefore we can't possibly be right about anything. (I'll add that to my anger insight log. Anger = justified.)