Sunday, February 26, 2006

Off the wall

I could be completely off the wall wrong on this, but I noticed my anxiety has been dramatically rising as the weekend wears on. Then I remembered that I have an appointment to see my Ms. N tomorrow. Correlation? Possibly. It just seems incomprehensible that the anxiety would kick in for something I'm not consciously aware of and thinking about at the time.

It's like the panic attacks I used to have each night for years. It didn't make any sense that I'd be hit with a panic attack in the middle of the night when I'm fast asleep and at my most relaxed. It just went against everything I had ever learned. To this day I still can't fathom the concept that they were really panic attacks. Cuz at the time I had never experienced one during the day, only at night after I'd fallen into a deep sleep. Since then I've had the displeasure of having them during the day, so I do know they were panic attacks, but yet there's still a part of it that I can't wrap my brain around.

Anyway, I haven't seen my T in over a month. I was in the hospital two weeks, then she was on vacation for two weeks and when she came back last week her schedule was booked. Of course my mind has twisted it to think she wasn't really booked last week, she just didn't want to have to deal with me right away. That she was using it as punishment for going into the hospital before she went on vacation, as if I were trying some sadistic manipulation tactic. The latter thought is generated from her self-absorbed thinking that I tried to kill myself at the end of last year merely because she had gone on vacation. Despite my assurances that it had nothing to do with her, she still held on to her false belief.

If only I could give her the link to this blog. She could read it for herself and know that I was struggling long before she ever even told me about either vacation. I know it does seem suspect that both hospitalizations happened around her trips (first one was after her return, the second was before she left); but if she could read my blog and see where I was at mentally, she'd know it was mere coincidence.

I've found that it's useless to try and explain yourself to mental health people. Seems like they all take the stance that they're the sane ones, we're the fucked up ones and therefore we can't possibly be right about anything. (I'll add that to my anger insight log. Anger = justified.)


Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I think that is often true. BUT, there are many of us out there who have suffered mental illness and have recovered and know full well what it's all about. I think being a good therapist takes a lot of training, AND years of one's own therapy. You need to know what it is like to be the client in order to be the good therapist.

I hope that you can find some confidence in my thoughts.


6:31 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Wow, your Tdoc's not full of herself, huh? Maybe time to find a new one...or have you made progress with her?

8:10 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

maybe your t-doc needs her own t-doc (and p-doc)?

6:46 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger sansanity said...

oh yeah and i would ahve out of the blue panic attacks. and then sometimes i would have all this anxiety and not remember a significant anniversary or something that would be upsetting. but it did seem my psyche would and respond accordingly. and i would figure it out weeks later...

6:47 AM, February 27, 2006  

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