Sunday, October 09, 2005

Not continuing

Decided against continuing the story. The rest is pretty uneventful. Was transferred to another hospital's psych ward after another 2 days in that hospital and it was a fairly decent stay. My borderline rage was only triggered once and since it was in the middle of the night, I fell back asleep before it could get out of control.

Yesterday I was feeling very uneasy about being home. Wanted to break into tears and today I'm having that same feeling. There's just this unbearable sadness coursing thru me and I don't know why. I was doing good in the hospital before I left. We were laughing and joking around. Soon as I walked outside my whole mood changed instantaneously. In the past I've always been glad to get home, this time I wasn't.

I can't help feeling I would rather be dead. That I have nothing to offer this world. That I'm just sucking up oxygen and money that would be better spent on someone that has a lust for life. I found it ironic that when I was at the hospital I ended up in the cardiac unit. Surrounded by people fighting to hold onto life, while I was fighting to give up on it.

Something's so very wrong. Just wish I knew what it was.

2 Comments:

Blogger mizeeyore said...

i can understand that feeling Sid, after being discharged from the hospital several times myself, i know how strange it feels when you actually go home.

but look at it this way hon, and i know this sounds lame and trite, but you are here for a reason and that reason is your daughter.. regardless of how "flawed" we as mothers who suffer with mental illnesses may feel, our children need us, and it would have been a terrible tragedy to your daughter who loves you...i was certainly made aware of it when i was hospitalized.

again, if anything, you have a reason to live and that is for your sweet daughter. something to think about ok?

Hugs
((((((((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))))

miz e

7:44 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Sid,

I'm glad that you got the help that you needed but I am worried about you still. Keep on hanging on and know that you are very loved and we want the best for you. I personally hate the hospital but the one I was in was TERRIBLE and chaotic. It felt more like jail then a help center.

Anyway, I am sending you all my love and peace.

7:40 PM, October 10, 2005  

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