Removed from reality

That's a good indication of just how far removed from reality I was on 9/30...I have absolutely no recollection of ever writing that last post. I actually have very little memory of 9/29 to 10/1 when I was finally stabilized in the hospital. Just little snippets of events that seem to be observed from another person's eyes instead of my own. Almost as if I were out of my own body, viewing the actions of Sid, but not being connected to her. I don't know, it's really hard to explain.

I remember going to see my therapist on Thursday, Sept. 29th. I know I wasn't feeling well mentally. I can't remember any of the conversation but I remember as we were ending the session she wanted me to sign a safety contract or she was going to call 911. I told her very stoically I'd be ok and then I went home.

I seemed to have lost all sense of time from that moment because I thought I OD'd on Thursday, but wasn't taken to the hospital til Friday. My memory is of coming home from therapy and finishing off the bottles of Valium and Ativan. I know there wasn't much Valium left, maybe 20 mgs worth & there was about 25 Ativan that I took 4 at a time. From there I remember opening the largest bottle that contained a variety of pills. I remember taking a few of them and at the same time feeling paranoid. I'd look out the window after taking each one, though I can't remember what, if anything, I was looking for. My mother told me I came to dinner on Thursday night, but I don't remember that at all. I don't remember my daughter coming home from school or going to school the next day.

After taking the pills (I have no idea just how many I ended up downing but I was told the bottle was nearly empty & there were at least 150 pills in it) the next memory I have is of puking. Don't know if it was at home, on the way to or at the hospital. I just remember puking. Then I remember a man sitting outside a door and being irritated by his presence, wondering when he was going to go away (Later I found out it was a security guard sent to watch me in the ER). I remember ripping out the IV line (I was later told I did that 3 times) but I don't know why I did it. I remember having to drink that charcoal shit and thinking this stuff doesn't taste too bad but the consistency was of wet sand.

Then I remember waking up in a hospital bed with a nurse sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed. It was Saturday. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but the bitch wouldn't let me close the door. I pushed the door out hard to knock her off balance, slammed it shut and locked it so I could pee in privacy. Of course they called security. I remember yelling at them, fighting with them, but I know I wasn't put in restraints. Maybe they gave me a shot of something.

To be continued....