Saturday, October 08, 2005

Removed from reality

That's a good indication of just how far removed from reality I was on 9/30...I have absolutely no recollection of ever writing that last post. I actually have very little memory of 9/29 to 10/1 when I was finally stabilized in the hospital. Just little snippets of events that seem to be observed from another person's eyes instead of my own. Almost as if I were out of my own body, viewing the actions of Sid, but not being connected to her. I don't know, it's really hard to explain.

I remember going to see my therapist on Thursday, Sept. 29th. I know I wasn't feeling well mentally. I can't remember any of the conversation but I remember as we were ending the session she wanted me to sign a safety contract or she was going to call 911. I told her very stoically I'd be ok and then I went home.

I seemed to have lost all sense of time from that moment because I thought I OD'd on Thursday, but wasn't taken to the hospital til Friday. My memory is of coming home from therapy and finishing off the bottles of Valium and Ativan. I know there wasn't much Valium left, maybe 20 mgs worth & there was about 25 Ativan that I took 4 at a time. From there I remember opening the largest bottle that contained a variety of pills. I remember taking a few of them and at the same time feeling paranoid. I'd look out the window after taking each one, though I can't remember what, if anything, I was looking for. My mother told me I came to dinner on Thursday night, but I don't remember that at all. I don't remember my daughter coming home from school or going to school the next day.

After taking the pills (I have no idea just how many I ended up downing but I was told the bottle was nearly empty & there were at least 150 pills in it) the next memory I have is of puking. Don't know if it was at home, on the way to or at the hospital. I just remember puking. Then I remember a man sitting outside a door and being irritated by his presence, wondering when he was going to go away (Later I found out it was a security guard sent to watch me in the ER). I remember ripping out the IV line (I was later told I did that 3 times) but I don't know why I did it. I remember having to drink that charcoal shit and thinking this stuff doesn't taste too bad but the consistency was of wet sand.

Then I remember waking up in a hospital bed with a nurse sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed. It was Saturday. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but the bitch wouldn't let me close the door. I pushed the door out hard to knock her off balance, slammed it shut and locked it so I could pee in privacy. Of course they called security. I remember yelling at them, fighting with them, but I know I wasn't put in restraints. Maybe they gave me a shot of something.

To be continued....


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im just so glad your back home and safe now, your very lucky to be alive right now. Please just be careful and I pray you dont do anything like this again.
But I cant say I dont understand. I no very well what its like to reach that point of hoplessness, and it seems almost impossible to overcome it. But I believe you can survive this, I really do.

Take good care of yourself,

7:18 PM, October 08, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wrote a small poem for you.

For her heart seeks
the face of peace,
Her will struggling
to fill its needs,
Fighting her fears
until her soul bleeds,
Giving all of her might
until these demons flee.


9:04 PM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger dawn said...

I'm so glad you're safe Sid. Be safe and take care of yourself.

12:50 AM, October 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anna said...

Glad to hear that you're safe and still with us. You had us all worried. Please take care and get some rest.

2:07 AM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

Hey, Sid ...

I was wondering how you were getting along. Good to see you're out and about.

Although it doesn't seem it at the time when we've really hit a wall mentally, things DO get better. Life somehow goes on and the pressure and the fog does lift.

Keep safe.


10:11 AM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

welcome back Sid (((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))

thank God you're still with us cus you gave those of us who love you in blogland a hellified scare. dont you ever, ever, ever, EVER do that to us again or i will come and kick your ass *evil grin*

please hon, stay safe and PLEASE when you feel yourself starting to slip, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE go to the ER, ok?

more hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))))))

thanking God you are still with us
much love
miz e

7:39 PM, October 09, 2005  

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