Sliding away

The further I slide into the depths and darkness of depression, the more I critique my life thus far. What's grabbed the focus of my thoughts today is what the hell am I doing with my ex? I should be asking for a divorce, yet I find myself being all buddy buddy with him. Why is that? I've thought about the reasons why all day. They ranged from simply needing a companion that understands me (at least somewhat anyway), to being afraid of being a single mother, to not wanting to imagine him with anyone else, etc.

I suppose it's because of those thoughts that I think we're making a big mistake by trying to rekindle our relationship. I think we're doing it for all the wrong reasons and not a single right one. I can't even think of a single reason that would be right. For the sake of our daughter? In the short term it probably would make her happy to have her parents back together, but in the long run, what if things end up failing again. Twice the heartbreak completely negates the few moments of happiness in between.

I want to call him and tell him that I think we're making a mistake. That we can probably be friends, at least until he finds a new love of his life, but I doubt we can ever function again as husband and wife. What we had has been lost. The tremendous amount of love I had for him is gone. I don't know if it's the medications numbing me of those emotions or if they simply don't exist. I'd rather err on the side of caution than end up getting hurt again, or hurting him again.

Been on the verge of tears again. Feeling alone, lost and desperate for escape. Each day I have to fake that every thing is ok is that much more agony piled on top of the unbearable pain I've already been burdened with. Yet I know I have to fake it. My daughter's birthday is coming up. Tomorrow nite some of the family is coming over to have cake with her. Monday I'm sure we'll do something because it's her official birthday. Then next Saturday we have her party with her friends. I can't allow my daughter to see me depressed at a time when she is so excited. I don't want to bring her down.

I don't agree with the saying "misery loves company". I think it implies that those who are miserable tend to gravitate towards each other. Personally I think "misery breeds more misery" is a better quote. If you're miserable, you end up sucking those around you into the black hole you yourself have fallen into. Which is why I fake like everything is ok to some, and at the same time isolate myself from those that know misery as I do. I don't want to be a breeder of more misery in those around me.