Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sliding away

The further I slide into the depths and darkness of depression, the more I critique my life thus far. What's grabbed the focus of my thoughts today is what the hell am I doing with my ex? I should be asking for a divorce, yet I find myself being all buddy buddy with him. Why is that? I've thought about the reasons why all day. They ranged from simply needing a companion that understands me (at least somewhat anyway), to being afraid of being a single mother, to not wanting to imagine him with anyone else, etc.

I suppose it's because of those thoughts that I think we're making a big mistake by trying to rekindle our relationship. I think we're doing it for all the wrong reasons and not a single right one. I can't even think of a single reason that would be right. For the sake of our daughter? In the short term it probably would make her happy to have her parents back together, but in the long run, what if things end up failing again. Twice the heartbreak completely negates the few moments of happiness in between.

I want to call him and tell him that I think we're making a mistake. That we can probably be friends, at least until he finds a new love of his life, but I doubt we can ever function again as husband and wife. What we had has been lost. The tremendous amount of love I had for him is gone. I don't know if it's the medications numbing me of those emotions or if they simply don't exist. I'd rather err on the side of caution than end up getting hurt again, or hurting him again.

Been on the verge of tears again. Feeling alone, lost and desperate for escape. Each day I have to fake that every thing is ok is that much more agony piled on top of the unbearable pain I've already been burdened with. Yet I know I have to fake it. My daughter's birthday is coming up. Tomorrow nite some of the family is coming over to have cake with her. Monday I'm sure we'll do something because it's her official birthday. Then next Saturday we have her party with her friends. I can't allow my daughter to see me depressed at a time when she is so excited. I don't want to bring her down.

I don't agree with the saying "misery loves company". I think it implies that those who are miserable tend to gravitate towards each other. Personally I think "misery breeds more misery" is a better quote. If you're miserable, you end up sucking those around you into the black hole you yourself have fallen into. Which is why I fake like everything is ok to some, and at the same time isolate myself from those that know misery as I do. I don't want to be a breeder of more misery in those around me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry your feeling this way. I really hope you can figure out what you want to do and I hope it all works out and youll be happy.

Im sorry your feeling so bad, I understand and my heart and prayers go out to you.

Im going to try to get to the library as much as possible and keep up on how you doing and keep giving you support.
Please hang in there Sid.

Take care of yourself,
Many huggs,

10:45 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger James said...

I think that it is admirable that you have been trying to work things out for the sake of your daughter but some things were not meant to be.

My parents have fought their entire life. In fact they just seperated for a few days again last week. I guess they have stuck together for the kids but you what? In my opinion, they have caused MORE pain for us kids BY sticking it out. So that's my thoughts for what they are worth but in the end you have to make the decision you think is best for you.

I also pretend things are A LOT better around people then they are. Especially around family because they are all freaked out about me having a severe illness.

It's not always good for us but if it prevents more pain for us then showing all our scars then maybe sometimes it's worth it but I don't know.

I really think looking more into Buddhism could really help you. If you want, try and check out, "Buddhism Is Not What you Think: Finding Freedom Beyond Beliefs" by Steve Hagen.

Don't feel any pressure to read that book though. I'm just throwing out ideas that have helped for myself but everyone is different.

Anyway, take care.

1:14 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i agree with James. some things just arent meant to be, and i certainly can understand having to pretend that "everything is hunky-dory" when in reality it aint.

never feel that you are alone Sid. i'm here for you and i apologize for not leaving my Yahoo IM on. i will do better. in the meantime, please, please take care of yourself. those of us who have come to know you care about you.


4:13 PM, January 09, 2006  

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