Monday, January 09, 2006

Three strikes

I am officially done with doing anything outside of individual therapy and DBT at the clinic I've been going to. I tend to abide by a three strike rule and they sure as hell fucking hit strike three, all in one month, think that's a new record for some place fucking me over. First they change the groups around and leave me with nothing but shit, then they cancel my appointment to see the new pdoc before I've ever even met the woman. Today was the clincher though.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I was all prepared to just blow off my groups, cancel my therapy appointment and sleep the day away. I've been very depressed, angry, tired, just plain fucking miserable. But I convinced myself it'll do me good to get out. That I'd made commitments and I had to keep them. So I shower and get ready real fast cuz I'm running late, race like hell to get there in time doing 80-90 mph despite seeing several people pulled over by cops along my way. The reception I receive? Oh, we're not having any of the groups you attend today because the counselor that runs them is out on vacation this week.

I immediately flew off the handle. I ask why the fuck they didn't bother to tell me this last week when I was there. When my whimpy dickhead counselor "really needed to talk to me about the new group schedule" he could have mentioned it then cuz I'm sure the guy didn't just spring it on everyone on Friday that he'd be on vacation this week. Or even later that day when the whimpy bitch called me to say that the Monday groups were going back to the schedule they were originally at, the schedule I was used to, he could have mentioned something then. Their only response was that they "tried" to let everyone know. Apparently fucking not because I wasn't the only one to get there and be pissed off. I was the only one ballsy enough to go off on 'em.

My guess, by how quickly everyone took a step back away from me, I was well into rage mode before I even figured out I was. I let loose a torrent of obscenities that would put any good porno or Quentin Tarrantino movie to shame. Yelling at them about how fucked up their program is. How I initially got the impression that this was a far better clinic than the one closer to my house, but that I was dead fucking wrong about that. Told them they really shouldn't dick around people that are mentally ill like they've been doing to me in just one week, you never know which one of us is the crazy psycho fuckhead that'll return with a cache of weapons and go fucking postal on their asses.

After my tirade, I storm up to the front desk and ask if by chance my therapist's 11 am cancelled so I could see her early. No go. I had to fucking find something to do until noon. Pissed me off even more. So I got in my car and blindly drove around in a murderous rage until noon.

I gave Ms. N a binder that I'd taken home with me from one of the groups and told her to give it to whoever the fuck runs the group program because I was finished with them. She tells me she'll give them the binder, but that I'll have to call and tell them I'm not doing groups anymore. I told her I ain't fucking calling any of those fucks and if they try to call me, I'm hanging up on them.

She thinks I'm punishing myself by quitting all together. I explained that I was simply avoiding a rage trigger and that I was merely protecting myself, not punishing. I can't tolerate incompetency at all and this is the kind of shit that made me quit a lot of the jobs I walked out of, getting fucked around with. They tend to refer to it as "miscommunication" but when it happens more than once, it's fucking idiots not doing their fucking jobs.

So she wants to know what I'll do to structure my time during the day since I was so pissed last week about not being able to do the Wednesday groups. I told her I plan to sleep the rest of this week away, staying as medicated as possible. Even told her I'm considering reinstating my former D-day plans but that at the moment I'm too focused on getting through my daughter's b-day and b-day party this coming weekend to focus on killing myself just yet.

Her response "what DBT skills can you use instead of sleeping or planning your demise to get thru this painful period?" We've had what...3 or 4 DBT sessions, none really focusing yet on any kind of skills except last week's "staying in the moment". What fucking skills does she think I possess or have magically picked up in such a short period of time with no discussion behind how to use them? I distract as best I can, I try breathing to calm down, they barely fucking work. I still don't know what most of the skills on the sheet even fucking mean. Some I do out of necessity, like bathing & eating; others I do like distract by doing something useful simply because there are useful, necessary things that I have to do now and then. They certainly don't help reduce my misery.

I'm so fucking pissed. I wish I did have a small cache of weapons, I think I would go in there and go postal on those stupid fucks. And here, everyone always thinks I'm the quiet one....big fucking HA to that.


Blogger Shannin said...

i don't blame you at all Sid... they always seem to do this shit and wonder why we fly off the handle.. must be because we are mentally ill... um, no, it's because you are a fucking idiot and can't get your shit together and do your job, moron... you know they get pissed about the same shit in their own life... but, they act like we have no right when it comes to the care we receive regarding our mental illness(es)... UGH.. i could go ON and ON and ON...

i hope you are able to calm yourself and take care of you and FUCK THEM without hurting yourself....

8:37 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

Maybe its best that you move on, Sid. You haven't been happy there for awhile. When PHP is done, maybe we could get together more often.

Just remember, your daughter needs you after her birthday, too.

:* Princess

9:48 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

i cant blame you one bit Sid for snappin' on those insensitive muthafuckas. i went thru that shit when i was in PHP and they had the nerve to dump somebody if they didnt come for 3 sessions! they gave me shit when i had to go out of town for my father's funeral, especially this one bitch who shall remain nameless told me that i had to make sure i came back in time for group. WTF???

anyways, i know this sounds lame, but try to calm yourself and let go of the drama you experienced today. apparently them dumb fucks dont know their asses from a hole in the ground.

take care of you!

10:52 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

Sid, the dickheads running the place do sound incompetent and I can see wny you'd be pissed off with it.

But at least you're sticking to the personal therapy and DBT.

Work out how important groups are in terms of overall therapy. If attendance at groups is vital, you might just have to factor in and try to tolerate the stuff-around incompetence of this clinic to do the groups -- or you could try to switch clinics, but there's no guarantee of a better run show elsewhere, I suppose.

Just do what you can right now and worry about the rest later.

9:58 AM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger Maggs said...

Yeah, I'd have snapped too, but, I snap over everything.

What is this DBT? I searched the internet and did NOT understand it at all.

1:09 PM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

It's too bad the center is so messed up and that it impacted on you so negatively.

But it's good to know you are stickingto DBT and your individual therapy. I think those are probably the most important things to focus on.

Hang in there, Sid.

7:19 PM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger James said...

You're right on.

Fuck 'em, fuck 'em right in the goddamn ear!!

I hate how doc's and other "care givers" treat us like children and try to take away our choices.


5:17 PM, January 11, 2006  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...


DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It's a therapy that was designed for treating borderlines, helping them emotional regulation and stuff like that, but it works for other mental illnesses too. Most of it has a buddhist flavor to it with things like staying in the moment, learning not to be so judgmental. I'm sure if you did a google search you could find a better explanation.

12:48 AM, January 12, 2006  

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