Monday, February 27, 2006

Just looped around

I was going to write about the rage that's consuming me again, but my thoughts are all disheveled. It's hard to concentrate, to find the words that desperately need to be expelled from my head. It's like looking at a piece of paper with invisible writing on it. You know there's something there yet you don't have the necessary tools to make it visible.

Read back through my posts from February 2005. I was in a pretty crappy place then. Angry as hell, wanting to die, pissed off at the therapy (actually the lack of) I was receiving. With the exception of wanting to die, a feeling which has temporarily waned, I've pretty much made no progress forward. I've more or less just looped around to end up back in the same spot. Chasing my own tail I guess.

I have an excellent sense of direction. Put me any place in the world, even the middle of nowhere, and I could probably find my way to civilization or to whatever spot I needed to reach. Why am I so inept when it comes to finding the direction I need to head in to achieve mental wellness? It seems like it should be so easy...get a therapist, get a pdoc to prescribe meds, attend groups as needed, be hospitalized as needed...yet it's so damn difficult.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

I have a pretty good physical sense of direction, too. I always get by quite easily in new places.

But I think finding our way to mental wellness is a lot trickier. Sometimes i think if we are born with a mental illness, the best we can do is live with it the best we can rather than hope that one day we will be compeltely free from all our symptoms. I know it sounds bleak... but I think / hope that we can at least be MOSTLY OK, most of the time, if not ALL the time.

Take care...
Polar Bear

6:24 PM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger None said...

If we all had that answers, there would be no therapists, groups, or pdocs. We all would be equally insane. Damn...thats a scarey thought! :)

9:32 PM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I'm slightly neurotic though...I want all the answers NOW dammit!!

Polar, that does sound bleak, but it does make sense. If only I could allow myself to hope. I can hope for others, just can't do it for myself.

12:29 AM, February 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

During one of my bad moments I complained that I'm right back where I was a year ago and was reassured that I'm doing OK in that case -- that things hadn't gotten worse. Although that's lame sounding, it did help me at the time.

10:11 AM, February 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... pretend I'm okay and everyone else is FUBAR, bang head against wall, drink too much to quiet the noise, pass GO, collect questioning looks and insincere sympathy from people who don't know shit, start the circle over again.

I have said so many times, Why can't I just figure this out? I can be smart and resourceful when it is a problem that I am reasonably confident I can solve. But I stumble once, or reach a question for which I don't have the answer, and I give up.

I am quite confident I can design a roadway or stormwater drainage, or repair your PC. But I have no confidence at all in my ability to heal myself in time to enjoy what is left of my life.

I guess that was a long-winded way of saying ... I feel ya. Hang in.

6:43 PM, February 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BTW, I am like that with directions also. I am never lost, and I can navigate my way from anywhere to anywhere ... until I get inside a shopping mall, or any other building. I lose my sense of direction when I can no longer see the outside world.

6:44 PM, February 28, 2006  

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