Monday, August 28, 2006

Not living

Instead of living life, today is one of those days where I can't help but ponder the unanswerable questions of it. Why do I have these mental illnesses? Why do I feel like ramming my head straight into the wall? Why was my mother so damn abusive? Why was I his victim? All the asinine questions that I know have little relevance towards getting better because they won't ever be answered.

It seems I never have a day where I ponder the right questions. What can I do today to make myself feel better? How can I change these negative thoughts into positive ones? The whole 'letting go of emotional suffering' they teach in DBT. Is this a conscious choice or not? Did I let go of the suffering while being hypomanic, as it felt I did, or did I simply replace it with another form?

After several days of being antsy, productive, giddy...basically living a high, those feelings have given way to a lethargic, anxious, raging stand still. To my surprise everything didn't come to a stop sooner considering I should have been pms'ing last week, a time where my depression almost always seems to fortify itself.

Today I have the all consuming desire to rip my skin off. A feeling I'm well acquainted with but yet never become accustomed to. The temptation to grab a razorblade and begin carving an outward symbol of my inner tragedy is irresistible. I feel a mild sense of relief just thinking of cutting, of visualizing the blade slicing through my tender skin, of the droplets of blood that begin to form immediately on the open wound, of the warmth of the blood as it flows down my arm. The release is just unbelievable, nearly as amazing as having an orgasm.

Maybe this feeling will pass on its own, or maybe I'll be forced to give in to it. There's a part of me that wants to let it pass. The part that knows this isn't a healthy coping mechanism. But there is also a part of me that misses the adrenaline rush. It's been awhile since I have cut, weeks, maybe even months. Even if the relief it offers is only temporary, it's an incredible one while it lasts.


Blogger Maggs said...

Don't do it!!

6:06 PM, August 28, 2006  
Anonymous jane said...

I'm sure I'll come off as a bitch, but I'm going to say it anyways, "You never have to give in to it, EVER again." No, I don't have experience with cutting. But I do have experience with being a heroin addict, smoking for 30 years & having stopped both & NEVER giving into the urge EVER again. It all starts with not doing it 1 more time. It's a simple and as difficult as that. Just don't do it one more time.
The only reason I'm saying this is because I remember always feeling like I just had to do heroin, just one more time...and I did. But now some 20 years have gone by, I never could have imagined going 24 hours without it, muchless 20 years.

There are a LOT of bipolar people blogging, maybe reading their blogs, seeing how we all cope & manage our lives. Please try to not be so hard on yourself. Your hurt comes thru so loud and clear, it's times like this where I wish we could do something for someone else.
You aren't alone, dear. Please don't ever forget that.

7:28 PM, August 28, 2006  
Blogger Connie said...

I don't know how you feel, but I do know I too struggle with thoughts of hurting myself when my disease, and it seems the world, gets the best of me.
I know the brief release cutting myself brings, but I also know the feelings of shame that always follow.
It isn't worth the added pain and disappointment you are bound to feel soon afterwards. It just plain isn't worth it.


8:21 PM, August 28, 2006  
Blogger Cinthia said...

I self-harm purely on impulse, but later on as I look back at my poor bruised, wounded arm, I can't believe I went so far as to do that to myself.

The urge is powerful when it comes and sometimes we give into it, but we have to be strong and find a healthier way to cope. Lately having a good scream when no one's home has helped me release some of the pent up anger inside. Keeping myself so occupied that I eventually forget I'm upset sometimes does the trick, too. But calling the one person I truly trust has worked best for me so far, as long as he is available, of course.

Find what works for you, Sid. Delay the urge in whatever way you can think of so that the impulse eventually dissipates.

All the best,

10:36 PM, August 29, 2006  

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