Friday, May 18, 2007

Collapsing

Guess I can no longer avoid trying to search my brain for something to write about or else I may as well delete this blog. The longer I go without at least trying to write, the worse I'll become. The more withdrawn into myself I'll go.

I don't know why it is, but every time I go away on a vacation, be it two days or ten, I start shutting down after my return. Upon arriving home I get to revel in the relaxing feeling of having escaped from my daily routine and reality. However, that feeling only seems to last for half a day, maybe two days at most; and then I slip into this mood where I want to collapse into the fetal position and remain there forever.

Before assumptions arise, this is not a product of having changed my medication regime. This happens every time I go away, whether I remained med compliant or not. It's as if it is just too exhausting to enjoy myself, more so mentally than physically. At times it almost feels like punishment for trying to have even a moment of happiness. Maybe it's payback for having spent money I should be saving. I have no clue. I just know that I'm left with little memory of any positive feelings I may have experienced while gone and instead I'm left wallowing in misery.

My visit with my T didn't go well yesterday. No arguing or anything like that, I can just feel she's getting frustrated with me. Unsure where to go with therapy because I'm so obviously stuck, pinned beneath an immovable pile of crap that I don't have the strength or will to extricate myself from. Apparently I'm in such a drastic predicament that people can only just look on helplessly, hoping I'll find a way out on my own or I'll surely die.

I thought therapy would offer the tools, the hands to help dig me out and then point me in the right direction to get back on my feet. Think my expectations were way off because it seems that the mental health system can't assist in freeing someone from the rubble, they can only help the ones that aren't already stuck in it. Their help is limited to distancing you from the pile so it doesn't all collapse in on you. If it's already collapsed on you, you're screwed. You just have to wait in severe pain until it eventually squeezes that final breath out of you.

3 Comments:

Blogger marie said...

Sid, I am sorry your therapy is not going well. Perhaps it is time you look for another therapist. I have had some good experiences with it. My first therapist was the best. She really helped me dig deep and helped me face my incest trauma past. She is retired now, but I will always remember her with great fondness. My poem "The Voice" was written for her.

Please do not shut down your blog. Maybe expressing your feelings on line with people who care may become a good outlet for you. Keep your chin up.

1:39 AM, May 19, 2007  
Blogger Stephen Atwood said...

Pretty please keep writing?

You can call it "misery loves company", you can call it whatever you want, but I don't think any of us want to have to fight this alone. If you leave, that means a void will be left in your place, where we won't have you to lend us strength.

I was kinda hoping you benefitted from the situation as well. Granted, we can't remove that feeling of loneliness/emptiness entirely, but surely we can throw stones at it for a while and call it mean names?

Or I could be completely off-base. I am only 19, and thus prone to missing the point entirely.

3:30 AM, May 19, 2007  
Anonymous dawn said...

please don't stop writing, sid. I love reading your blog.

omg, i do the EXACT same thing when i return from vacation. I have no idea why and i'd really like to know. I'm still really down and i've been back for 3 weeks now. it's almost at the point where i need to stop taking vacation because of the way i am after returning home.

i'm really sorry to hear about your therapy session, sid. i hope that things start to get better for you.

11:21 PM, May 19, 2007  

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