Friday, May 11, 2007

Losing time

I saw my T yesterday and I have no clue what happened. I know I was there, but I must have dissociated for nearly the entire time because it seemed like we only met for about 15 minutes and she was suddenly telling me "I'll see you next week". At first I thought she was frustrated with me and wanted to get me out early, but then I noticed the clock and a full hour had passed since I'd sat down.

I'm still not taking my medications as prescribed, which could be the reason behind why I'm losing track of time. But at this point, I have no intention of taking them as I should be and I'll probably cancel on my pdoc later this month.

I'm feeling very frustrated and stuck again. I need to take some time and think about what I want and/or need before I continue with treatment of any kind. In fact that's the homework my T gave me. To decide what I want to do with respect to therapy and medications.

During our last appointment she had asked me to consider forgiving the child I was and letting go of that anger. While she read anger in my words, I personally felt little of anything as I wrote them and I told her that, told her that again yesterday. Maybe there is anger there, but I feel nothing anymore. Which is part of the reason I'm not sure I want to continue on the meds. I have to decide which is better...feeling nothing and feeling like a fake being or feeling everything, the rage, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, etc. There seems to be no middle ground and there are no different medications or combinations that I can try, I've basically tried them all.

I'm beginning to think there is no way to become unstuck. There is only the option of finding a way to hold on until my daughter is out of college and making a life on her own. To wait until a time when she needs me less and finally end the fight. I'm so tired of fighting.


Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I say this with gentle intentions and warm concern....please consider taking the meds as prescribed. I know it can make all the difference.

Wishing you peace,

8:58 AM, May 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That whole bit about forgiving the child... I've been getting that, too, by my shrink. Something about resolving past issues and not blaming myself for how things turned out.

In other words, exactly the opposite of what my family would want.

I just hope that we're both getting these lines because we both warrant them, and not because it's simply drilled into their heads at university.

Hey-- maybe your inner child and mine should go to inner-child summer camp and learn to be better inner-people without us having to bother with it.

Just a thought.
But I could be out of my mind, so...

3:25 AM, May 14, 2007  
Blogger James said...

It's a kind of sad irony for me being partly bipolar that there is no middle ground between drugs and no drugs. Just as there isn't much middle ground between mania and depression.

5:40 PM, May 17, 2007  

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