Monday, April 23, 2007

It's vanished

Been thinking about going off the Eldepryl I've been on since my last hospitalization in October. At first I felt it was my miracle drug. It rid me of my depression like no other medication ever had before, while giving me with the ability to feel alive. I could genuinely smile. The world around me seemed so vibrant. The only downside seemed to be that once the major depressive symptoms were alleviated, the borderline personality symptoms became painfully obvious, but I knew that was a demon that would take longer to battle. Knew there was no pill that was going to make that any easier to deal with.

I no longer feel alive though. I just feel numb. Empty. I rarely seem to do anything. Not because there isn't stuff to be done, but because there is no desire, no energy to do anything. Whatever it was that I was feeling when I left the hospital has vanished and has left me the empty vessel I was before I went in. It's like a film has formed over my view of everything around me and it all looks grey, dreary and hazy, even on the sunniest of days.

I should be excited about our upcoming trip, but instead I feel a sense of dread whenever it comes to mind. I'll have to leave the house. I'll have to be out and about, around thousands of people I don't know and who wouldn't ever want to know me. I'll have to be active every day for four days which should seem like no big deal. Yet for every day closer we get to leaving, I wish all the more harder I had never bought the tickets to go.

My T gave me more homework last week and because I feel so empty, I can't access the feelings and memories I need to generate in order to complete it. She wants me to write a letter to my inner child and vent my anger at her. By doing this, I think she is hoping I will release the blame I place on myself for the abuse I went through as a child. That I will somehow accept that I'm placing blame where it doesn't need to be.

I didn't take the pills over the weekend, primarily because I wasn't home and/or was too drunk both Saturday & Sunday to remember to take them. I barely took any Seroquel either. Guess my hope is that I'll magically be able to feel something, even if it is the emotional pain that typically causes me to be self destructive, if the chemical bleaching these medications do to a persons brain is halted.

So far, I'm still feeling absolutely nothing. Nothing except emptiness.


Blogger marie said...

Sid, like the new look of the blog. I hope things will get better for you soon.

10:59 AM, April 24, 2007  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

wish i had something helpful for you sid... all i can tell you is you're not alone.

and i like the song.

12:00 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Joel said...

I think the thing we miss when we leave the hospital is the safety. You don't have to cover your symptoms, you can be who you are.

8:42 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Maggs said...

Much overdue visit. First time I've been to blogs since I've been out of work.

How are you doing??

1:04 PM, June 07, 2007  
Blogger Maggs said...

I meant overall. I am sorry about the medication's ineffectiveness.

1:04 PM, June 07, 2007  

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