Thursday, April 12, 2007

Jonesing

Today it's only after 1 am as I start to write this, so technically today hasn't really begun for me because yesterday hasn't ended. Of course if I started actually following that logic, the days would rarely end for me, I would always be stuck in yesterday. Of course I probably am stuck there anyway because time passes by and nothing gets done. Considering the number of hours I'm awake each day, I should be more productive than that hyper, annoying cook Rachel Ray, yet I'm about as productive as a dead squirrel.

I have to face my therapist later and tell her I didn't do the homework despite having two weeks to get it done. I can't figure out what it was she wanted me to do on the piece of paper she gave me. I even went back and read the post I'd made about it, hoping it would jog my memory, but it still makes no sense. Therapy is already hard enough without the added bonus of total memory failure.

Doubt I'd be able to return to college at this point. I'd fail every test because I can't recall any information unless I write it down immediately and I highly doubt they'd let me bring all my notes along on exam days. I read books and magazines all the time, but as soon as I put them down, I could probably only tell you about a 1% of what I'd just read. That's pretty pathetic, but at least I'm good for one thing. I think I single-handedly keep the makers of Post-It notes in business.

I sometimes wonder if this is a medication induced amnesia or if something else is killing off brain cells. Guess that's why I typically say I'm in a fog, because it truly feels like I am. Completely lost. No sense of direction. No comprehension of time. It's absurd, unnatural and irritating. Brings on the feelings of wanting to scramble my brains with a power drill, if there's even anything in my skull to scramble.

Despite the urges to do harm, I've been good with controlling the self injury. Haven't deliberately cut since the end of October. It's not a lifetime record or anything, but this is the longest I've gone without doing it in the last six years. I try not to think about it because even just now with this brief mention of it, I can sense the high, the feeling of release that washes over me when I do it. Some people jones over drugs and alcohol, I'm jonesing over wanting to slice myself open.

Think I'd best get to bed before I think about this any longer and end up having to act on it.

3 Comments:

Blogger Stephen Atwood said...

I'm going to guess that your quality of sleep is tenuous at best?

The deepest form of sleep is REM, where your brain processes information into memory. If it's disturbed or hindered, you're bound to have memory issues.

10:49 AM, April 12, 2007  
Anonymous dawn said...

i wonder if you google your medication, would you be able to find info as to if others experience memory loss too?

awesome with the no SI since October!!! that's great news.

there must be somthing in the air cause i've been jonesing bad too the last few days-argh-it sucks.

1:00 PM, April 12, 2007  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Well done on not SI'ing since October. That's a remarkable period of time and I'm sure it took considerable effort. So give yourself a pat in the back.

I have terrible memory too. Altho I attribute mine to the fact that I've taken lots of overdoses which can't be good for the brain cells, and also the medications don't help. Somtimes I will forget entire periods of time (like a black out, but I'm conscious and doing things, except that I can't remember later).

I watch a lot of movies and read lots, but often forget the plot as soon as I put the book down, or after watching a movie I'd be unable to recall either the title, or who was in it. It does feel a lot like being in a fog.

When I'm ill, or have those episodes, the fog is worst.

I have notebooks and I make lists of things-to-do, and make up grocery lists because I know I will miss something if I dont write them down somewhere. That's the only thing I can think of in terms of coping with this "fog" thing.

Stay strong.
Hugs
Polar B.

10:37 PM, April 12, 2007  

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