Pdoc visit yesterday

I actually had an appointment with my pdoc yesterday before I posted about the paranoia. I thought I'd set my alarm in order to be up in time, but I either didn't turn it on or I got up in my sleep and turned it off without knowing it. Luckily I was woken by a nightmare which gave me just enough time to throw some dirty clothes on, brush my dirty hair and get to his office on time.

It's a busy office, so I tend to dissociate in order to remove the other patients from my consciousness because they make me nervous. Since I know I'll be off in another world, I try to find a seat facing the door he comes out of. I've found I snap back to reality quicker if I hear him call my name and see him from the corner of my eye. He's well over 6 ft tall, so he's hard to miss. Unfortunately there were too many people sitting in that area already and I had to take a seat with my back to the door.

I didn't hear her call my name at first. Not sure how many times she had to repeat it either. I was listening for a man's voice, not a woman's. She tried to introduce herself as I came to the door, but I ignored her completely, didn't even make eye contact, and headed straight to my pdoc's office. I wasn't there to see her, I didn't care who she was.

Upon sitting down he immediately says, "you look very uncomfortable". By that he meant uneasy, which is exactly how I was feeling being there with the strange woman that followed me into his office. My instant thought was that the two were conspiring against me. Turns out she was just one of the medical students that periodically follows him around.

He asked if it was okay if she sat in during our session, to which I answered that I didn't care. I actually did care because I was already suspicious of her, but I know that these students need to learn so I allowed her to remain despite how uncomfortable I was feeling.

It was your typical pdoc visit. He asks how I'm doing, I say I'm ok. That is the standard answer I give when anyone asks that question because I believe no one really wants an actual response, it's just a way to get the conversation rolling. He asks how I'm sleeping, I tell him I'm having trouble falling asleep and end up staying awake til 2 or 3 am most days (it's 2 am now as I write this post). I then get up at 7 am to drive the kiddie to school, come home and sleep til at least noon.

He asks how my anxiety is and I tell him that it's getting worse, but don't elaborate on why, leaving all the details from my last post unmentioned. He asks what symptoms I'm having with the anxiety and I let him know that I feel like I can't breathe and I start shaking, sometimes pretty uncontrollably. That this happens just about every time I need to leave the house for something other than taking the kiddie to and from school.

Then come the questions about how the VNS implant is and have I had any adjustments to it, am I still seeing my therapist, how are things going with my daughter, etc. Same questions he asks during every visit and to which I've given the same answers for nearly six months.

Next we move onto the meds, with him asking if I'd be interested in making any changes. I told him I'd just like something additional for the anxiety, an increase in the Valium. He mentions trying Neurontin. Since my file with him is extensive and he sees so many patients I always have to remind him that we've tried that, twice, and it did nothing for me. He agrees to increase the Valium and then asks if I need any refills on the other meds.

At that point I told him I'm still having issues with taking the Seroquel because of the weight gain and risk of diabetes, but that it's one of the few drugs that's given me any relief so I can't stop taking it. I mention that I've been cutting the pills in half so I have plenty of those to last awhile. As for the other med, I have no clue how many refills I still have so he gives me a script for it and for the extra Valium. I'm told to come back in two months and that ends our visit.

I don't like to take up a lot of his time. Not because he's so busy and all, but because I know his sole task is medication management. If I tell him too much, go into details about the paranoia or other things going on, he wants to give me more drugs and I'm not interested in taking anything beyond the three meds I'm on now. Plus having that strange woman there, I just wanted to leave as quickly as possible.

I'd be curious to sit in during other people's appointments. See what they talk about. See if they are as closed off and guarded as I am or if I'm just one really strange crazy person.