Sunday, April 01, 2007

Back to reality

Tomorrow it's back to reality. School resumes so I'll need to be awake and ready to drive the kidlet to school at 7:00 am. It's a short week though. Unlike a lot of school districts which seem to coordinate their Spring Break with Easter, ours doesn't. So after returning from a week off, they have 4 days of school and then get a 4 day weekend. Not sure exactly why they're off next Monday, I just know they are.

To get around the religious aspect of what the coming weekend represents, and any potential lawsuits that may arise as a result, I think they've labeled this a "Spring Holiday" or some stupid shit like that. No matter what they call it, what guise they try to hide it under, we all know they're getting out of school solely because it is a religious holiday. Even if I discard my own atheist bias towards religion, I'd still be against giving the kids these days off. To acknowledge a Catholic holiday is a slap in the face to the thousands of residents in our district that practice other religions.

Anyway, the kiddie has her first appointment with the new therapist tomorrow. I did receive copies of the records from her last therapist, but they are basically worthless. All we got were the progress notes she wrote up and they contain very little information. Most of what was discussed during the sessions was left out and some of what she did include is wrong. We didn't get a copy of the treatment plan we'd written up, didn't get anything that said what diagnosis they were using to bill her insurance, none of the important stuff that would help the new therapist understand the situation without us having to explain it all again.

I have a few things to take care of tomorrow. Need to contact the kiddie's school about the cost of the AP World History test she's taking next month (keeping my fingers crossed that she passes cuz that will mean one college course is officially completed). We already gave them a deposit of $13 and now have a note saying the balance of $70 is due by Thursday. While looking through her backpack I found an earlier note the kiddie never gave me that said to contact the school if you receive free or reduced lunch as that will lower the cost of the test. Glad I snooped through her stuff, or I'd be paying full price for something I don't need to be.

I also need to go to Blockbuster and find out why they have my ex's phone number listed on my account. We'd rented some movies last week and didn't return one of them soon enough. Instead of the call coming to my house letting me know I only had another day before I'd be charged $15 for the movie, it went to the ex's cellphone and he didn't bother to tell me until several days later. I ended up returning it the day after they said they'd charge my credit card, but luckily that never happened.

I should also get busy on the homework my therapist gave me even though I don't see her again until the 12th. It'll probably take me that long to figure it out. Just thinking about having the focus back on me makes me feel anxious. Having to sit and actually concentrate on myself and what's going on inside is going to be very difficult.

If only I could keep shoving it all aside. Keep focusing my attention elsewhere. It's safer for me that way. If I stay out of my own head, I don't get sucked into the darkness and get lost in there. I can wall off the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, even though I know it's only temporary. After hurting so severely for so long, after being so suicidal, I'm willing to savor this temporary respite. The scariest place in the world for me is inside my own head. Wish I could just tell my therapist "please don't make me go back in there". I'm so afraid of getting lost again.


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